The road once loved, The road forever feared
by Nicole96E
Summary: Charlotte had been living a haunted, empty existence ever since that night. Five years and she still was just as broken as she was when it happened. Having avoided her home town for so long she dreaded the day she finally had to go back to Charming. She never thought that she would run straight into the man who ripped her life to pieces, That man being Jax Teller.
1. Chapter 1

**_HI THERE! Please be patient as this is my first fan fiction! Please leave reviews , good or bad. I will be uploading the next chapter very soon! :) Thanks for reading xx_**

 _"_ _I am so sorry Charlotte, we did everything we could but it was a miracle that you managed to survive." And with that she turned around and walked out of the room. The doctor that had just sent my world crashing down around me left my hospital room like she hadn't just given me the worst news of my life._

 _I didn't care that I had survived. I didn't care that it was a miracle that I was alive. All I cared about was the fact that it was gone, My baby was gone and it was all_ _ **his**_ _fault. My heart began to beat out of my chest, I could feel the tears running down my cheeks as I began to break down. Sobbing uncontrollably I sat in my room alone, unable to pull myself back together, feeling the pain spread throughout my body like it was never going to stop._

"No!" I jolted upright in my bed, trying to figure out my surroundings. I was at home, in my bed. I tried to calm myself down, tell myself it was just a dream but its hard to tell yourself it was just a dream when in fact in was a memory from five years ago. Five long years and still the same nightmare every single night. I stood up and walked over to my bathroom. Looking in the mirror, I barely recognized the face looking back at me. My once long, brown hair was now cut in a short ashy blonde hairstyle, my eyes that used to be a deep chocolate brown now appeared black, my face was visibly skinnier then it had ever been and of course that scar. The long scar that sat across my collarbone to the center of my right shoulder was sitting there like a giant reminder of the night that haunted my dreams.

Jumping in the shower I set it at my normal temperature, scalding hot. Even after all these years I still felt the need to wash away the nightmare. Like if I could just wash of the memory it would be as though it never happened. I finally peeled myself out of the shower; I had to get ready for the day. Today was the day I had to venture out into the streets I grew up in, the streets of charming. The same streets that I had managed to avoid for the last 5 years.

As I got ready for the day I kept replaying the same anthem in my head over and over again 'just get through today and you can come home', 'Just get through today' 'Just get through today'. Today was my nephew's elementary school graduation and I had promised him that I would come. I had already broken that promise time and time again. Every year he asked if I would come to his birthday party, for the last 5 years I had said I would come but come the day when I actually had to drive past that Welcome To Charming sign the fear and the pain took over and I would text my brother a reason as to why I couldn't make it. I knew that he didn't believe my excuses but he understood why I did it. My nephew however was getting to the age where he knew I was lying about why I couldn't come but he didn't understand why. All he knew was that I continued to let him down every year. I tried to make up for it in the days that followed his birthday by taking him to amusement parks and buying him the presents he wanted most, but none of that made up for the disappointment he felt every year when I didn't show up and this year I was not going to let that happen. This year I had to be at that graduation, I had to push my feelings aside and think of that little 10-year-old boy.

I gave myself a once over in the mirror before grabbing a pair of shoes out of my wardrobe. I glanced in the corner at the long forgotten black and white converses, which once were my signature shoes yet I hadn't worn them in god knows how long. Instead I grabbed the black boots that matched my skinny jeans, which I had paired with a simple white t-shirt and black bomber jacket. Opening the front door I felt the first wave of panic hit me but I had to push past it. I had the hour drive to Charming to pull myself together, for the sake of my nephew.


	2. Chapter 2

I managed to keep my emotions in check until about 5 miles outside of Charming. That's when all the memories came rushing back, the ones I had tried to keep at bay all these years. I could feel my chest tightening as the town came into view but I had to push those feelings down, just for a couple of hours. As I got closer to the sign I noticed someone was standing next to the Welcome To Charming sign. I pulled the car over as soon as I realized who it was, putting it into park and stepping out. "Happy, what are you doing here?" I leaned back against my car, waiting for an answer. " Hey little sister, long time no see". He walked over to me and wrapped me up in a tight hug. I squeezed him back because he was right; it had been quite a while since we had seen each other and even though I was never going to admit it, I had missed him a lot. " I had Lexi drop me off on their way to the Elementary school. Thought I would offer to drive you in, since you don't know where the school is." I raised my eyebrows at him. I didn't believe his bullshit excuse for one second. "Really Hap? You stood at the town line waiting for me to drive past, just so I didn't get lost on the way to Mason's school? Ever heard of a new invention called Google maps?" Happy just shrugged at me as he pulled out his cigarette pack and lit one. "You didn't think that I would go unless you escorted me did you?" "Can you really blame me Char? You haven't stepped foot in charming in five years and every time you plan to come, you make it to this spot, right here and then run away". I glared at my older brother but I knew he had a point, and truth be told, had he not been here waiting for me I probably would have run away again. "Fine then," I threw my keys at Happy and walked around to the passenger side of my car, "lets go before we're late and Lexi kills us both." Happy chuckled as he climbed into the drivers seat " yeah I haven't been in the good books with her lately so lets try not to make it worse". He started up the car and pulled back onto the highway. This was it, I was going back to the town that I vowed I would never come to again.

Happy pulled into the school just in time for us to see the start of the ceremony. I couldn't believe how big Mason had gotten in the last 8 months since I had last seen him. We walked over to our seats were Lexi was already sitting, shooting daggers at us for barely making it on time. Alexandra, or Lexi as she prefers, was my brother's wife. They had been together since they were teenagers. I was about 10 years old when she came to our house for the first time. Happy and her were both 16 at the time and had to move their date to our house because our ma had to work the night shift so Happy was stuck babysitting me. Lexi has always treated me just like her own sister and she had really been there for me in the last few years, but it became hard for me to be around her after she got pregnant with their second child so she kept her distance. Sitting perched up on Lexi's lap was my three-year-old niece, Piper. She was a black haired; brown eyed little hellion who was a mini version of my brother. "Aunty Char, Aunty Char!" Piper jumped off her mothers lap and ran over to me to give me the biggest hug her little arms were capable of. "Hey my little rugrat, I missed you". I felt guilty for having not been a bigger part of Piper's life, but until now I just couldn't bring myself to come back to charming and the hour long drive to my place made it hard for Happy and Lexi to bring the kids over for a visit more often.

After the ceremony finished we all went outside to take a few photos, which Happy and I both groaned about. " The two of you together are like having two extra children! Trying to get you to take a photo is like pulling teeth!" Lexi yelled at us while she tried to make us smile for a photo. "Aunty Char, can we go to the diner and get burgers like we used to?" Mason asked me while he looked up at me with those big brown eyes. The thought of spending anymore time in Charming then I had to made me feel sick but this was Mason's day and I was not going to ruin it for him. "Sure buddy, as long as we get to split a banana and chocolate thick shake like old times." I ruffled his hair as I made my way back over to my car. "I will meet you guys there". "Char wait" I turned around to see my brother jogging over to my car. "Are you really going to come?" I looked at him questionably, did he really think I would lie to my nephews face and then just skip town again? I suppose it wasn't really that far fetched based on my past actions. "Yes Happy, I will be there" Happy looked down at the ground and I knew there was something he wasn't telling me. "Hap what is it?" "Well some of the guys are gonna be at the diner as well so I just wanted you to know so you didn't freak out when you saw them and left." Man, I hadn't seen any of the guys since I first left charming, except for Kozik, he tends to check in on me from time to time but it had been about a year since I last saw him in person. Kozik and I had always been close; sometimes we were a little too close. I still remember the first time I saw Kozik. I was 12 years old at the time and thought he was the best thing I had ever seen.

 _"_ _Charlotte you can stop staring at him now" I hadn't realized that my brother had caught me looking at his new friend until he nudged my arm. "Who is he?" Happy stood up and walked over to the sink to put his dishes in it. "He is to old for you, that's who he is, so lift your jaw up off the floor and go play in your room". I crossed my arms over my chest and glared at my brother, a glare that I had managed to master over the years." I am 12 years old Happy, I don't play anymore, why cant I hang out with you guys?" Happy walked over to me and lifted me up onto the bench top. "Look Char, we are going out to a party and your not old enough to come okay, but if you don't tell ma where I went I will bring you back some ice-cream" Just the word ice-cream meant I was hooked. "Okay but I expect you to bring back one of the big tubs and next time you hang out with Kozik I get to come!" "Okay fine, but you cant tell ma where I went."_

 _"_ _You have a deal big brother" I smirked as I jumped of the bench and headed towards my bedroom but I walked straight into something on my way. I looked up after I fell and realized I had walked right into Kozik! "Oh god I am so sorry" I quickly scrambled to my feet. "That's alright sweetheart, no harm done" Then he simply helped me up, winked at me and walked away. I knew I was blushing but I didn't have time to worry about that, I had to call my best friend Tayla and tell her about the Greek god that just walked out of my house._

Eventually after spending enough time with Kozik I realized he wasn't as fantastic as I thought and I got over my school girl crush, but he was still one of my closest friends. I shook away the memory and realized I still had to face the fact that very soon I would be surrounded by the big group of bikers that I grew up around, but had been avoiding for years. The thought was kind of scary but nowhere near as terrifying as the thought of seeing one certain biker. "Will he be there?" "Who?" I glared at my brother "You know damn well who!" I didn't want to let Mason down but I knew if that certain biker was going to be there then I couldn't go. Happy sighed, "No he wont be there Char" "You promise?" "yes I promise" "You pinky promise?" Happy huffed at me "Seriously Charlotte how old are you? You seriously want me to pinky promise to you right now?" "I am not going unless you pinky promise" "Jesus Christ I pinky promise that Jax Teller will not be anywhere near the diner while you are" Well I guess I was going to the diner then. "I cant believe I am a 30 year old outlaw and I just pinky swore to my little sister" Happy huffed. I laughed as he walked over to his family and jumped in the car. He had always hated pinky promises, even when we were little, but to this day he had never broken one. Okay I could do this, I just had to make it through lunch with a bunch of bikers without freaking out. After that my nephew would be happy, I could go home, and I can safely keep my distance from Jax Teller.


	3. Chapter 3

**Thank you for all your reviews, it makes me want to write even more!  
Sorry this is a bit of a short chapter but it is building up to something better i promise ;) **

**Let me know what you think. Thank you :)**

I parked my car in front of the diner and tried to calm my nerves as I saw a few bikes parked out the front. I got out of the car and walked towards the diner but stopped when I saw Happy pull up. The kids both climbed out of the car followed by their parents, who were still bickering over the fact that Happy was late to Mason's ceremony. "Babe I still saw him walk across the stage and get the piece of paper so what's the big deal?" Lexi just sent a death stare his way and kept walking. "Well Mason are you ready for the best thick shake in the whole world?" I asked my nephew, trying to put on a brave face so that I could get through this lunch. "What the fuck!" I screamed as two arms went around my waist and I was suddenly lifted into the air. "Calm down princess its just me" when the strangers arms finally put me down I turned around and saw that it was Kozik, with a giant grin on his face. "What don't I get a proper hug?" he said to me with his arms open wide. I jumped into them and wrapped my arms around his neck, unsure if I ever wanted to let go. "God I missed you" I whispered into his neck. "I missed you too princess, more then you know". After what felt like a very long time we finally let go of each other and he put me down. "I didn't even know you were coming to town". "Yeah well I figured it was about damn time to get over it and come for a visit, plus I knew that you wouldn't survive for much longer without a visit from me" I winked at him as I punched him playfully in the arm. "Who is the hottie hanging off of Koz?" I heard from behind Kozik. I moved to look behind him and saw that it was another Son, but I didn't recognize this one with the stupid hair cut and massive smile on his face. "I hope he is planning on sharing that one", the same idiot piped up as I made eye contact with him. Before I could even open my mouth in return Happy slammed him up against the diner wall by the front of his cut. "Listen here prospect, you make one more comment about my little sister and not only will you not be patched it but I will stick my foot so far up your ass you'll be able to taste the dirt on the bottom of my boot" I smirked at the young guy, who looked like he was about to cry, as I walked past him and led Mason and Piper inside to get some food. I held the door open for the kids and watched as Mason kicked the prospect in the shin as he walked past me and went inside, Piper also made sure to poke out her tongue at him as she followed her big brother. I chuckled and followed the kids inside, I was not going to let some loudmouth ruin my one day with them.

Once inside I greeted the rest of the Sons that where sitting in the diner booths. I was really happy to see Tig and Bobby, even if Tigs hand did move a little to far south when I hugged him, but I had gotten used to this over the years. We all sat down and ordered our lunch and Mason and I shared the Thick shake as promised. I couldn't remember the last time I had sat in this diner but it was good to be back. After we all ate lunch we stood up ready to leave, as I was grabbing my bag I heard the jingle of the bell on the door but stupidly thought nothing of it, not until a few seconds later. "Uncle Jax!"

No, no this couldn't be happening. I felt my stomach clench and I couldn't bring myself to turn around. This had to be one of my bad dreams, any minute now I was going to wake up and be back home, far away from Charming. I felt a hand on my shoulder and look up to see Happy staring at me with guilt in his eyes "I'm really sorry Char, he was meant to be out of town, I didn't know he would be here." I pushed Happy's hand off my shoulder and glared at him. "You **promised** me he wouldn't be here Hap, I cant do this" I grabbed my bag and headed for the door. Piper grabbed onto my hand before I could get very far though "Aunty Char where are you going?" "I have to go home now rugrat. I will see you soon though okay?" Tears began to run down her cheeks as she whined "but I don't want you to leave, please stay." I looked up at my brother, struggling to keep my own tears at bay, he looked at me pleading me to stay but I simply shook my head at him. "I am so sorry Piper but I have to go." I headed for the door again and walked right passed the man that I had been avoiding for so long without even a glance in his direction. As soon as I was outside I could already feel the tears flowing down my cheeks but at the same time I felt relieved. I felt relieved that I was away from him, I felt relieved that I was on my way home. I felt relieved right up until the point when I heard the diner bell chime, signaling someone's exit from the diner and the words that followed. Words that I hadn't heard in such a long time. "Charlie wait!"


	4. Chapter 4

I froze halfway to my car when I heard his voice. He was the only person who ever called me Charlie and I hated the fact that I missed it, missed him. I didn't turn around, I couldn't turn around. I just stood there unable to move hoping that he would just leave. "Charlie?" Slowly I turned around to face him. I felt the air leave my lungs when I saw him. He looked older and more mature. His hair was a bit shorter and slicked back and he looked like he was growing out his beard. He was different, I didn't know what about him was so different but there was something. "I didn't know you were in town" he said with a small smile on his face. I just stood there staring at him, I didn't know what else to do. Here, standing in front of me, was the man that I had loved for so long, the man that made my life so much better, the man that then ruined my life in the blink of an eye.

"I….I have to go" I quickly turned around and headed for my car. "Charlie please" he grabbed my arm to stop me from walking away and just like that all the pain I had been shoving down erupted out of me "don't touch me!" I screamed at him. I could feel my heart racing as all the memories I had tried so hard to forget came flooding back. I vaguely remember the door to the diner opening again but I didn't pay it any attention, I was too focused on all the hate I was projecting towards Jax. "You didn't know I was in town because I didn't want to see you! I don't want to talk to you, I don't want to share friendly small talk with you, I want nothing to do with you!"

I was trying to catch my breath but for some reason I just couldn't. My mind was blocking out all the good memories I ever shared with Jax and was focusing solely on that night, the accident and the fallout afterwards. I could feel myself hyperventilating but I just couldn't push all the pain back down. Jax tried to step towards me but I took two steps back. Someone was walking towards me but I couldn't focus on who it was, al I could focus on was him.

"Char you need to calm down, lets just leave okay?" It was Kozik, he started leading me towards his bike but that just made me panic more. "No! I cant!" "Okay, its okay I will drive you in your car!". Kozik helped me get in the passenger seat and then walked around to the drivers side. I glanced out the window and saw Jax still standing there, just staring at me with a look of guilt and fear on his face. I had seen that look before and I couldn't bare to see it anymore. I saw Happy and the kids getting into their car as Kozik drove us away from the diner. "Where do you want to go?" he asked. I looked up at him, I didn't know how I would have gotten through the last few years without Kozik. He had been my rock that I clung to when everything else in my life was falling apart. "Home, I want to go home"

We pulled into my driveway an hour later and walked inside. I felt numb, like all the pain I was feeling before had just disappeared. "Do you want something to drink Char?" "No I just want to sleep." I felt exhausted, today had drained me both physically and mentally. "Okay why don't you go sleep and I will make you something to eat when you wake up." I looked up at Kozik and knew that I needed him. "Will you come with me?" Kozik simply nodded and followed me to my bedroom.

Once I had gotten dressed into my pajamas I crawled under the covers and waited for Koz to join me. It wasn't the first time we had done this and it certainly wouldn't be the last so when he got under the covers I snuggled up to his chest and he wrapped his arms around me. There were two places in this world I felt safest. The first being with my big brother and the second being right here with Kozik. As I started to drift off to sleep I thought back to the last time Kozik and I had seen each other. It was about a year before, when he stopped off on his way back from a run to Tacoma.

 _"_ _Jesus Christ, I'm coming!" It was the middle of the night and some idiot was banging on my door. I had finally fallen asleep after working all day and now I was wide awake and very angry. "What!" I yelled as I wrenched the door open. "Miss me?" I couldn't believe it. Standing in front of me was my best friend, my only friend these days, and he had the same goofy grin on his face that I had come to love. "What the hell Koz!" I jumped on him and enjoyed the feeling of being wrapped in his arms again. Kozik and I were very close but we had only ever just been friends. He made sure to help Happy chase away all the boys when I was growing up and he was always there for me when I needed him but this was the first time that I had seen him for weeks. We spent the rest of the night talking and catching up into the early hours of the morning. We finally crashed in bed at about 9 and slept right through till 5 in the afternoon. After going out and grabbing some dinner Kozik convinced me that we should go out to a bar and make up for lost time. Stupidly I agreed and we spent the rest of the night getting very, very drunk._

 _We took a cab home and Kozik helped me inside, which is where things got a little weird. Kozik was helping me get my pajamas on and all of a sudden I remember kissing him. He pulled back after a few seconds. "Char, what are you doing?" I thought about it for a moment, what was I doing? I hadn't been with anyone since Jax, in fact Jax was the only person I had ever been with and for some reason this made me really angry. I tried kissing him again but he stopped me. "Char?" "What's wrong?". He looked at me with raised eyebrows, "Why are you doing this?". I leaned in and kissed him on his collarbone, then up his neck till my lips where right next to his ear. "Because I want you" "No you don't Charlotte, you're just drunk" I kept kissing his neck then his chin, then the corner of his mouth till finally my mouth was hovering over his. "Please Koz, I need this, I need to erase this memory of him" suddenly the look of confusion in his eyes turned to one of guilt and sadness. "Even if we did do this Char, its not going to change the fact that you were with him, its not going to mean you will all of a sudden be fine and it certainly wont change what happened". "But it might make me feel better, even if its only for a little while." I could see his walls breaking down, he wasn't going to be able to keep resisting so with one final step I pulled of my dress and stood in front of him in my underwear before leaning in to kiss him one more time. Just like that he gave in, his hands went to my waist and he lead me over to the bed. He laid us down with him on top off me as we kept kissing. His hands travelled up and sat just below my ribs while mine were gripping the tattoo's on his upper arms. I was lost in a haze of alcohol and longing for an escape from the pain I felt. I rolled us over so that I was sitting on his lap. I was grinding into him and I heard him moan into my mouth. He gently pulled my hair so he had easier access to my neck and began placing gentle kisses there. He unclasped my bra and that's when it happened._

 _I froze in place, suddenly bombarded with a memory of Jax and I in this same position, the night we found out I was pregnant. I broke down and began crying, "Wait, what.." Kozik realized what was wrong but didn't make any attempt to push me off him. He simply scooted down on the bed so that he was lying down with me on top of him, wrapped his arms around me and pulled the blanket over both of us. "Shhh, its alright" he comforted me while rubbing small circles on my back. I don't know how long I lay there crying until I eventually dozed off._

 _When I woke up the next morning Kozik had made breakfast. I walked into my kitchen and leant against the doorway, just staring at him. "Well good morning princess" I looked at him and he must have seen how confused I was. I thought for sure I had ruined everything last night but he simply walked over to me, placed a kiss on my forehead and said "Its okay". He then just sat down and ate breakfast like nothing happened, and I was so thankful. I still wasn't fully aware of what had happened the night before but I knew one thing, my best friend would always be there for me._

 _It was after breakfast that Kozik told me he had to go out of town for a few months and wouldn't be able to visit. I cried at first but he told me it would be over before I knew it and that we would talk on the phone all the time. I didn't know it yet but a few months would turn into a whole year, a whole year without my best friend._

 _ **Okay i promise you will find out the full story of what happened between her and Jax soon! I just want to build up some more of the story before that happens ;) Thanks for reading xx**_


	5. Chapter 5

**Sorry for the delayed update. I finally finished this chapter. i will try to make sure i update more often. Please leave reviews and tell me what you think.**

 **Also incase i forgot to mention, as this story is set in an alternative universe you will notice certain things don't match up with the Tv series, such as Tara is not in my story and Jax originally Prospected for Tacoma's charter and so on and so** _incase you didn't realise the writing that is in Italics like this means in it a flashback/ Memory_

 **Thank you so much for reading and don't forget to leave reviews. Thanks xx**

The sun glaring in through the blinds woke me up the next morning. "Ughhh, too bright" I rolled over to reach for Kozik but he was gone. I found my phone and checked the time, it was 8:45, I had slept for a whole 10 hours but I still felt exhausted. The smell of bacon and eggs wafted into my bedroom and I realized Koz must have made breakfast, which was a very bad thing. Every time Kozik made breakfast he wanted to talk about something important and 9 times out of 10 that conversation ended badly. Considering my meltdown yesterday I didn't predict this to be one of the good conversations. I pulled myself out of bed and made my way out to the kitchen. "Good morning princess" there it was, that stupid grin that I loved so much. "Don't princess me, I know what it means when you cook me breakfast so just get on with it." I sat down at the table, Koz put down a plate of breakfast in front of me and sat at the other end. "Okay fine, I think you need to go see Jax". I almost spat my breakfast out "what!, after what happened yesterday you want me to go and purposely see him again?"

"Its because of yesterday that I think you need to go see him. The hate that you feel towards him is eating you alive Char. You barely even function these days. You don't go out, you don't see any of your friends, you barely even talk to me anymore." Kozik had a point, all the things he said were true but I didn't know if I could face Jax again.

"I cant see him Koz, you saw what happened yesterday, I freaked out. When I used to think about him I would get this feeling in my stomach, like butterflies, even once we were dating every time I thought about him I would get this stupid smile on my face. Now when I see him I have a whole other feeling in my stomach. Now when I think of him I think of everything I lost because of him and how much pain being with him caused me. I cant go through that again Koz."

He walked over to me and wrapped me up in a hug. He kissed my forehead and sighed. "I know what being with him did to you, and I'm not asking you to love him again or even like him but you do need to forgive him, for your sake. Holding onto the anger you feel is ruining your life. You need to move on from what happened and if being civil with him means you get to live your life again, see your friends and spend time with your family then so be it."

I stayed quiet and didn't say anything back to Kozik, I didn't know what to say. "Look I have to go to the clubhouse for church but there is gonna be a party tonight at the club for the prospects patch over. You should come." "You mean the prospect who 'hopes you are planning to share that one'?" I scoffed at him. "yeah that would be the one" he laughed. "Look just consider coming, it would be good for you, and think about what I said, please." I huffed at him, he always found a way to convince me to do shit I didn't want to do. "Fine, I will think about it, but I am not making any promises". He grabbed his kutte and keys and went to walk out the door. "Alright I will see you later then, try not to get in any trouble." "Who? Me? Never" I said to him with a smirk. He just shook his head at me "no of course you wouldn't, love you" "Love you to, and Koz..", he stopped in the door way, "Thank you for last night". Smiling he looked back at me, "anytime princess".

I waited till I could no longer hear the sound of his bike up the street and went to get in the shower, I had to be at work in a couple of hours. I walked up the stairs and headed for the bathroom, as I turned the shower on I couldn't help but think about what Koz had said. My life was so much easier before everything happened with Jax, if only I had stayed away from him I could have kept my somewhat normal life intact. As I jumped in the shower I thought back to the day my life changed forever and I didn't even know it, the day I met Jax Teller.

 _I was sitting in the clubhouse listening to my brother yell over the phone at my school principal. I had been sent home and suspended, again, for fighting. Technically it wasn't my fault this time. There was a girl named Courtney Hale, who was the biggest bitch in school. She saw Kozik drop me off at school that morning because my car had broken down and she decided that I must be sleeping with him. For the rest of the day she walked around calling me a biker whore, granted it wasn't the first time I had been called it, but I couldn't ignore it anymore. I was walking out a classroom at the start of lunch and she knocked my books out of my hands. "Watch where you're going you biker whore." I snapped. I shoved her into the lockers and punched her right in the nose. As soon as I pulled my hand back I knew I was in trouble. I saw how much blood was rushing out of her nose and I knew it was broken "You stupid slut!" she yelled at me while she was holding her nose. "Miss Lowman, my office now!". I knew that voice, that voice had called me to his office on more than one. "Shit" I followed the principle to his office knowing that this wasn't going to end well for me._

 _As soon as we got to his office he shut the door and I sat down in my usual seat. "Look Mr. Ramsay I know what it looks like but it wasn't my fault this time I sw…" "Enough!". I quickly shut up after that and decided it was better to just let him give me the speech and take my punishment. "I have had enough of this Miss Lowman. I should expel you for this behavior, but I am going to let you off with a weeks suspension starting right now." "But I will miss the SAT's. If I miss them I won't graduate." A sick smirk grew on his face "well I guess your shit out of luck then aren't you"._

 _After arguing with him a while longer I realized he wasn't going to budge. I stormed out of his office and called Kozik to come pick me up, He was busy so he sent Tig. After Tig drove me back to Teller-Morrow I had to go into the clubhouse and tell my brother what happened, and he was going to be really pissed off._

 _"She called you a what!" Yep he was pissed. "Happy just forget about it, I am used to it." "Well you shouldn't be used to it, Give me that asswipes number, I am gonna get this suspension lifted, you have not worked your ass off all year to miss the god damn SAT's." Happy stormed out of the clubhouse, no doubt to go kill my principal and leave him in a shallow grave._

 _While happy was pacing around the clubhouse, calling my principal every horrible thing he could think of, I sat at the bar with Kozik, telling him what happened. "Why didn't you tell me this was happening Char?" "Because then you would have stormed down there and defended me, and they would have all thought the rumors were true, and no offense but there is not one biker in this clubhouse that I would want people thinking I was sleeping with." Just like that, like some cruel twist of fate, in walked a damn fine looking blonde man, who just happened to have a leather kutte on his back._

 _"Who the hell is that?" Kozik just laughed at me "I bet your rethinking that statement about sleeping with bikers now aren't ya?" "I'm telling you right now if my sister does not sit her SAT's I will shoot you in both kneecaps before burying you alive in a very deep hole." Happy then threw his phone across the room and stormed over to where we were at the bar. "You get the week off to study for that test and then next week you WILL be sitting your SAT's, if your principal knows what's good for him." I was barely listening to what Happy had said, I was to distracted by the young biker that just walked in. "Char, are you listening?" "What, yeah sorry, thanks Hap."_

 _"Oi Jackson!" Kozik called him over, I was gonna kill him. "Hey Koz what's up man?". God he was even better looking up close. He had long blonde hair and blue/ grey eyes, he was definitely the hottest guy I had ever seen. "Jax, this is Charlotte" Jax looked over to me and I watched as a grin formed on his face, "Nice to meet you darling" oh my god the way he said that, I almost fell off my chair. "Jax is the son of one of the first nine and just patched in from the Tacoma Charter. Jax, Char here is Happy's little sister. Instantly the smile on his face disappeared as happy wrapped an arm around his shoulder. "Whatever thoughts you are having about my little sister better never happen again or that kutte that you love so much, well I will make sure you are buried in it" Happy and Kozik walked away laughing, assholes, and I was left standing there alone with Jax and I knew I was blushing as bright as a tomato. "Ignore them, they are just trying to be assholes." His grin reappeared and he leaned in closer to me, "Oh trust me darling, I definitely plan on ignoring that warning, nice to meet you Charlie, see you around" and with that he winked at me and walked away. I was stunned, he was the first guy to ever be threatened by my brother about me and then instantly ignore him. I think that's where I knew I was in trouble, because not only was he super good looking and every 17 year olds dream, he wasn't scared to fight for me, not even against my brother._


	6. Chapter 6

After I finally worked up the strength to get out of the shower I got ready for work. I worked as a shop assistant in a small florist. I enjoyed it mostly because it didn't involve a lot of social interaction; I usually worked out the back instead of up the front serving customers. When I first graduated college with a business degree I was an event planner. I used to travel to different towns and cities planning events for different clients. After the accident I couldn't handle being around so many people, I just wasn't the same person anymore. So I got a job at the florist and shut myself out from the world.

I tied up half my hair in a bun and straightened the bottom half, put my make-up on and got dressed in my usual black jeans and work shirt. As I was walking out the door my phone started ringing, I fished it out of my pocket and it was a blocked number so I just ignored it and went to work.

Once I got to work I saw that Lucy was already here for the day. Lucy was the other shop assistant at the florist. She worked up the front, serving all the customers. She was always very friendly and quite chipper, pretty much the opposite of me. When I first started here Lucy tried to be friends with me but I shut her out, as time went on I began to open up to her and now she was my only friend other than Kozik. "Good Morning Charlotte!" God, she was always so happy, "morning Lucy". She was fluttering around the shop fixing up the different flowers and moving the vases. "How was Mason's graduation?" Man, here we go. "Uhh yeah it was alright" I knew I didn't sound very convincing but I was too tired to care right now. "What happened?" she looked at me questionably. I let out a long breath "well, I actually made it into the town this time", "Well that's a positive!", "Yeah I guess but then while we were at the diner afterwards, Jax showed up". Lucy let out a surprised gasp. "Omg he didn't!".

I'll admit, it was interesting talking to Lucy, she had this innocence about her that reminded me of being a teenager, before shit got complicated.

"Yep he did, and the whole day pretty much went downhill from there". Lucy came over and much to my distaste gave me a big hug. I wasn't a people person and I only like to be touched by certain people but I didn't have the heart to push her away so I sucked it up and hugged her back. "Well at least you made it into town, that's a step up."

We fell into our usual routine for the rest of the day, me out the back avoiding all social interaction and Lucy up the front craving it. Once I had finished for the day I headed out to my car, checking my phone on the way, I had two missed calls from a blocked number, who the hell was trying to call me. I decided to call happy and see if it was him on a new burner phone. "What?" was the greeting I got from him when he answered. "Geez, who pissed in your cheerios this morning.?" "Oh, sorry Char I didn't realize it was you, how ya feeling?" "I'm fine, a little tired but I'll survive. Have you been trying to call me?" "Nope why?". Who the hell was it then. "Oh, someone has been calling my phone on a private number thought it might be you." "Nah wasn't me but since you called anyway, why don't you come to the clubhouse tonight, we can hang out, just the two of us". I knew what he was trying to do, he was trying to convince me to come to the party tonight at the clubhouse, little did he know Kozik had already told me their would be a party tonight. "Really? So just the two of us, plus the other 50 people at the clubhouse for the party planned for tonight?". The line went quiet, asshole thinking he can trick me. "Oh, you heard about that huh?" "yeah I did, Kozik has a big mouth". "Dumbass, well you should still come". I thought about what going to this party would in tale, yes Jax would probably be there but so would my family, the guys that I grew up with. I used to love going to parties at the clubhouse. I thought about what Kozik had said, I had to move on and start living my life, and this was how I was gonna do it, even if I would have to spend the night avoiding Jackson Teller. "Fine I will come, even though you tried to trick me, but you have to promise to help me stay away from Jax". Happy sighed "Char, he is the President of the club now, I cant exactly tell him he cant come". "I didn't say he couldn't come, just make sure he stays away from me, please". "Okay fine, I'll see you tonight Sis". I said goodbye and then hung up the phone. Oh god, what had I just agreed to.

Trying to figure out what to wear was a struggle. I didn't want to dress like some skanky croweater so I chose to wear my light blue high rise skinny jeans, a black off the shoulder top and black heeled boots. I curled my short blonde hair and added more make-up then I usually would to my face. At around 10 o'clock I was ready to go but I just sat in the kitchen, trying to come up with an excuse to stay home. 'Knock, Knock' "Anyone home?" Koz asked as he opened the door. "You know the point of knocking is to wait until someone who actually lives here opens the door?". "Yeah, well I wasn't sure you would answer. I am here to drive you to the club, and before you say no I have 3 perfectly good reasons as to why you should come with me. Number 1, I drove the tow truck here specifically so you wouldn't have to get on my bike. Number 2, if you let me drive you, you wont have to worry about walking in to the party alone and I can make sure Jax doesn't come anywhere near you. And finally, If I drive you, you can get as drunk as you want and not have to worry about driving home." He finished with a giant smile on his face. I was hesitant because if I didn't drive myself it meant I couldn't bail at anytime. "Look I agreed to go tonight, and I will even agree to come with you but you have to promise me that the second I want to leave, we leave." "Deal!" he wrapped his arm around me and steered me towards the door. "This is gonna be the best patch over party in years! You look hot by the way" He said as he winked at me. "Yeah well as long as I can get drunk I don't care how great the party is."

As we walked out to the truck I got that feeling in my stomach again. That pit of fear, like something terrible was going to happen, but lets face it, I got that feeling every time I left the house these days. Well I guess this was it. I had to jump back into my old life at some point. What better time then at one of SAMCRO's infamous patch over parties.


	7. Chapter 7

Kozik and I pulled up at Teller-Morrow and the realization of what I was about to walk into to sunk in. "hey", Kozik put his hand on my knee, "its gonna be okay, I will be here the whole time." I gave him a small smile and got out of the truck. Everything was exactly the way I remembered it, the minimally dressed girls, Motorcycles parked in a straight line, guys in leather standing around drinking beers. As nervous as I was to be here, it still felt like home, like this was were I belonged. Kozik put his arm around my shoulder and we made our way inside.

"Charlotte!" I was thrown into the middle of the party and began greeting everyone. Bobby was the first, giving me a huge hug, "Its good to see you girl, we've missed you around here." Tig was next to give me a big hug, of course coping a feel as well, "Tiggy if I see your hand on my sisters ass again I will cut them both off." Tig just smirked at Happy, "It might be worth it, I mean look at her". Happy wrapped his arms around me, steering me away from the guys, "yeah well we'll see if you still think that when you try to jerk off with no hands."

Happy pulled us over to the bar, "get me a beer", he ordered the girl behind the bar, " Char what do you want?". I smacked him in the chest "you could use some manners, I'll have a beer too please" I asked the girl. "So you decided to show up huh?" "Yeah well Koz didn't give me much of a choice." The girl placed the two beers onto the bar "thanks" Happy grunted at her. I smiled to myself, baby steps I guess. "I'm glad you came, it will be good for you, get back to normal." I started scanning the crowd, trying to catch a glimpse of that short blonde hair. "He isn't here Char." I didn't realize I was being so obvious, "Why not, isn't he president now, isn't it a requirement for him to be here?" "Nah he uh, he had somewhere else to be." I could tell there was something Happy wasn't telling me but before I could ask him, Chibs came up to us. "Char, I didn't know you were here lass, I haven't seen you in years." "Hey Chibs" , I gave him a hug, Chibs had always been like a father figure to me but he and I had grown apart the last few years. "Happy you going to hop in the ring brother?" "Nah, no one here could take me so makes it pretty boring" Happy and chibs started laughing, too bad for them Kozik had overheard there conversation. "Really, no one here could take you uh? I seem to remember the last time you and I were in the ring, you walked out with a busted nose." And just like that it was on, ten minutes later we were all outside by the ring watching Hap and Kozik get ready to fight each other. I was standing with Chibs and Juice, the new patch. While everyone was watching the fight I heard a bike pull up but paid no attention to it, to distracted watching Kozik get his ass kicked, granted he did get a few good shots in but there was no way he was gonna beat Happy. A few minutes later I felt Juice move next to me, "Jax, hey man".

Shit.

I turned around in time to see Jax pulling Juice in for a manly hug and I could feel Chibs's eyes on me. "You alright love?" I heard him whisper to be. I gave him a very unconvincing nod, trying to think of a way out of this. No, I could do this, this is what Koz was talking about, I had to get over this. Although he also said he would make sure I didn't have to see Jax and where was he right now?, to busy getting his ass kicked by my brother. Who also promised he would keep Jax away from me, jackass's. Jax hugged Chibs next and then turned to me, looked away, before doing a second take and looking at me again. "Charlie, I uh I wasn't expecting to see you here, I mean its good to see you, just.. surprising." I took a deep breath, just say hi to the man charlotte then its over and you are one step closer to a somewhat normal night. "Hey Jax". He just stood there staring at me, I guess I looked a lot different then I used to and he wouldn't have gotten I good look at me the other day before I freaked out and ran away. "You look good Jax, President now huh?" I nodded towards his president patch. He looked down at it but when he looked back at me I could see something in his eyes, I didn't know what it was but it definitely wasn't pride or joy. It wasn't my job to worry about him anymore though, those days were long gone. "Yeah I guess so, you look good too, I like the hair." "Oi Jax" I heard someone yell from across the lot. "I gotta go, presidents job to greet people, I'll see you round I guess, I'm glad you came Charlie." He walked off to go see whoever had called his name, whoever called out to him was now my new best friend cause they just got me out the most awkward conversation of my life.

I felt a hand on my shoulder "you alright Char?" it was chibs. "Surprisingly yes" I smiled at him, a genuine smile. It wasn't much but I just did something I hadn't been able to do in 5 years, I had a conversation with Jax Teller, baby steps I guess. "Man he looks exhausted, must be fighting with Wendy again." Juice said next to me. "Juicy boy why don't you go get us some more drinks" Chibs told him, clearly trying to get rid of him. "Wait, Juice who is Wendy?. Juice clearly hadn't been told about my history with Jax and was to naive to keep his mouth shut. "Wendy is Jax's ex wife, you probably met her before, she used to be a crow eater." "Juice that's enough" Chibs warned him. "Chibs its fine, I don't care if he is with someone else, honestly it doesn't bother me." And it was true, hearing that Jax had moved on and actually married someone else didn't upset me, I was glad that he was with someone else, even if it did end in divorce. Although whatever happiness I felt for him was washed away when Juice opened his mouth again. "Hopefully once she has the baby, things will get better for him."

And just like that it was like a cold bucket of water was tipped on my head. "Wait, Jax is having a baby?" "Lass why don't.." "Shut up Chibs!, Juice answer the question". You could see on his face that Juice had realized he had said something he shouldn't, but at this point was too scared not to answer me. "Uhh yeah, Wendy got knocked up when they tried working things out, 8 months now I think." The crowd started cheering, signaling that the fight was over, I didn't care though. It was like the rest of the world was blocked out, I could feel my heart beating faster, and that sick feeling in my stomach was back. Chibs grabbed my arm but I shook him off, I stormed over to the edge of the ring where Koz and Happy were getting out.

SMACK

I punched Happy right in the jaw, just how he taught me. "what the hell!". Happy looked back at me with anger and confusion but I just stormed off, heading out off the lot. I heard Kozik yelling my name but I just kept walking. How could they do this to me? How could they not tell me that Jax was having a baby? They knew when I came here tonight yet they still said nothing! I glanced over my shoulder and saw Chibs talking with Happy and Kozik, I knew he was telling them what juice had said to me. Telling them that the secret everyone kept from me was out. While I was looking over my shoulder I ran straight into something and fell on my ass. "Woah, sorry Charlie, you alright?" Of course it was him, it had to be him. He grabbed my arm and helped me get up "don't fucking touch me!" I yelled at him. "Charlie what the hell? I thought we were good, we seemed fine a few minutes ago." "Yeah well its amazing what someone can find out in a few minutes" I heard my voice break but I wouldn't give let him see me cry. I pushed past him and kept walking, once I got to the street I turned out of Teller-Morrow and ran.

I ran to try to clear my head, to try to get away from this place, to get away from him. I ran until I couldn't anymore. I stopped on some side street and stood there trying to catch my breath. I black car pulled up next to me, great I thought, just to top off my night I was gonna get kidnapped. The window rolled down and I didn't know if I should be relieved or if I would rather be kidnapped. "Get in Charlotte, let me at least drive you home." It was Lexi, I knew Happy had sent her, I just hoped that she wouldn't take me to see him. "Fine, but straight home." I got in the car and she pulled off, thankfully in the direction of my house.


	8. Chapter 8

The car ride was silent until we pulled up at my house, and then Lexi took the opportunity to try to talk to me. "So, you wanna tell me what happened tonight?" I looked at her, was she kidding. "Oh I'm sure Happy told you all about what happened tonight." "no actually he didn't, all I know is you punched him and then stormed off, then he sent me to come and find you cause he said that if he or Koz came you might kill them, and he didn't sound like he was kidding either." I laughed to myself, at least my big brother knew me well enough to not risk coming after me. "So I'm asking you, what happened?"

I had known Lexi since I was a little kid, she had always been there for me, especially after my mom died. I knew I could talk to her about this and she wouldn't automatically take Happy's side but I didn't know if I wanted to talk about this with her. She had to of known about Wendy aswell; she had lied to be just as much as everyone else. "Well, lets see tonight I found out that my family and every single one of my friends have been lying to me for god knows how long. Tonight I had all the pain that i felt all those years ago brought back up. Tonight I found out that the man I loved, the man I thought I would spend the rest of my life with, the man that killed my baby and almost killed me is having another baby with someone else. He is getting the life he didn't get to have with me, with someone else." I was crying at this point but I didn't care, Lexi had seen me cry plenty of times, especially about this topic. "You found out about Wendy" Lexi stated like it was nothing. "Yeah I did, Juice accidently told me, apparently he didn't get the memo about everyone lying to me." Lexi tried to reach for my hand but I pulled it away, I was to angry right now. "Look Char, we all didn't tell you because we knew it would upset you" "What so you thought me finding out from Juice in the middle of a SAMCRO party was better?" I didn't wait to hear her answer, I got out of the car and slammed the door shut, I ran to my front door and quickly unlocked it. Locking it behind me once I was inside. I was so mad I could feel my hands shaking. My phone started ringing in my back pocket. I pulled it out, it was Kozik. I was going to ignore it but I felt like yelling at someone and he was the unlucky bastard. "What!" "Look Char I know we should have told you but we thought it would make things worse." "I don't wanna hear it Kozik, you lied to me! You all lied to me!" "Please just let me come over and we can talk about this" "No Kozik, just stay the fuck away from me, I don't wanna see you, I don't wanna see any of you!" I then hung up the phone and threw it across the room. The action made me laugh at myself. First just a giggle, then it turned into full blown laughter. What made me laugh was how much I reminded myself of my brother when he is angry. I kept laughing, I was laughing even though I knew it wasn't that funny. Soon my laughter turned into crying though and I leant against a wall and sunk to the floor in tears. Not only had I found out that my whole family had lied to me, I found out that the life I always wanted with Jax, he was having with someone else.

I didn't know how long I had been sitting there crying when I heard a motorbike pull up in the driveway. Jesus Crist, I was not in the mood for this argument. I knew it had to be Kozik, it was his bike. I had learnt to tell the difference between the guys bikes based on the sound a long time ago. When I heard the knock on the door I thought about ignoring it, but my anger took over and I stormed over to the door and yanked it open. "I thought I told you to stay the fuck away from me!" I yelled. The words died as they were leaving my mouth because I realized it wasn't Kozik standing on my door step, it was the one person I wanted to see less than Kozik right now. "Well I don't remember you telling me that anytime recently but okay." He stood there with that stupid Jax Teller grin on his face and all I wanted to do was smack it off his face.

"Really, they decided that you were the best choice to send here to talk to me? Man you are all dumber then I thought" I tried to slam the door but he put his hand on it, holding it open. "Actually they all told me not to come, I didn't listen." "well then I guess you are just the dumbest of them all then" I walked off, knowing he was going to follow, I guess I didn't have a choice but to have this conversation now. I was glad though, I needed to get my anger over this topic out, and Jax Teller was the perfect person to push my anger onto.

I walked into the kitchen, hearing the front door close. "Look Charlie I know you are probably pissed and.." "Why do you have Kozik's bike?" I asked calmly. He seemed confused by my question, probably wondering why I wasn't yelling at him yet. "What?" "Why did you ride Kozik's bike here instead of your own?" He leant against the counter top staring at me. "My bike is in the shop, needed a few adjustments, how did you know it wasn't my bike?" For some reason that question made me so angry. That question made it sound as though he was confused as to why I would know the sound of his bike, like that sound hasn't haunted me for 5 years.

I laughed, a sickening, twisted laugh at him. "You think I don't remember what your bike sounds like Jax? Trust me I remember. I remember what it sounds like pulling into my driveway, what is sounds like when you ride away pissed off" my voice started to crack "I remember what your bike sounds like as its scraping along the road, and what it sounds like as its smashing into a tree. Trust me, the sound of your bike is painfully etched into my mind. I wont ever forget that sound Jackson." I could feel the tears falling down my cheeks. This was it, the breakdown I had been trying to prevent for years was bubbling up and I couldn't stop it. "Charlie" "don't! Don't call me that, you don't get to call me that anymore." I turned around to face the sink, trying to pull myself together. "Oh trust me, I know we aren't together anymore Charlie, you have made that perfectly clear everyday for the past 5 years. You made it perfectly clear when you left me, you made it clear when you blamed me for the death of our baby, you reminded me when you said you never wanted to see me again, and I remind myself every time I look in the mirror and see what I have become. I know that you have been struggling Charlie, which is exactly why no one told you about Wendy. But I have been struggling too" I turned around to look at him, I saw the tears running down his face and felt a pang of guilt, but it was quickly covered by anger. "Ever since that night I have been feeling the pain of the loss of our child but I also had to feel the guilt over that accident, I had to try to get through it alone because I didn't have you anymore, I didn't have anyone. The guys were there but I knew that they were angry at me aswell. You hated me, Koz hated me, Hap couldn't even stand the sight of me for years." He kept yelling and I kept crying, he kept crying aswell. " I have felt so guilty for what I did to you that I have barely been able to function all these years. I married Wendy because I was lonely and she was the only person who could stand to look at me. Eventually the guys started treating me like normal but I knew how they really felt. I became president and they had to listen to me but trust me Charlie, I still feel just as guilty as I did that night, which is exactly why I didn't tell you about Wendy being pregnant. I didn't want to be the one to cause you more pain than I already had. I couldn't handle hurting you anymore." We were both standing on opposite sides of the kitchen, still crying. Neither of us said anything, we didn't know what to say. I hadn't realized that all these years Jax had been just as broken as me. On one hand I felt bad for him but on the other I couldn't help but think it was his own fault.

"Please just go Jax, I'm to tired to argue with you." I turned back around and faced to sink again. "You have to know how sorry I am Charlie, but I couldn't put my life on hold any longer. I had to keep living or the guilt would have eaten me alive" I heard his footsteps head towards the door. After I heard the door close I fell back onto the floor. Listening to him ride away I thought about everything he had said. I did feel bad for the way I had treated him but I didn't know how to move on from the anger I felt towards him. The fact that he was now having a baby just made me hate him even more.

I was exhausted so I pulled myself up off the floor and headed to bed. I knew tonight would be a bad night. I knew that the memories would visit me in my dreams but I was too tired to care. I crawled into bed and cried myself to sleep, thinking back to the day that Jax changed, without me even knowing it.

 _I was 20 and Jax and I had been together for 2 and a half years, well technically we had been together for about 3 years but no one knew about us for the first 6 months. Happy did not take the news well but he had managed to get over it, after threatening to cut Jax's balls off if he ever hurt me. I was walking into the clubhouse in search of Jax. I had finished work for the day and was looking forward to some much needed alone time with my boyfriend. "Hey Char, let me guess you didn't come all the way down here to see me" "Sorry Hap but sadly I didn't." I gave him a quick hug "what happened to the days that you came here purely to see your big brother huh?" I laughed at him, I tried to keep walking but he grabbed my arm "seriously, your not even gonna sit and have a drink with me sis, what's the rush?" I rolled my eyes at him. I didn't know how to quickly end this conversation without telling him why I was here. Lucky for me Tig walked up just in time to tell him exactly why I was here. "Hap, no girl is gonna pick having a drink with her big brother over having sex with her boyfriend" he laughed. Happy punched him in the arm "seriously dude, to much information, besides I doubt that is why she is here" They both looked at me and I knew my face was red. I couldn't help the sheepish grin that came over my face because that was exactly why I was here. "Oh come on, I didn't need to know that!" Happy stormed off and Tig started laughing, "go on then Char, just don't get knocked up" he winked at me and I turned around and made a beeline for Jax's room._

 _As soon as I opened the door I saw he was asleep on his bed, with a book on his chest. It was not very often that I found my high school dropout boyfriend reading I book so I snuck over to him and picked it up, carefully trying not to wake him. I sat on the edge of the bed, my back towards Jax and read the cover. 'The Life and Death of Sam Crow: How the Sons of Anarchy Lost Their Way'. I opened it to the first page but before I could start reading it I felt two hands wrap around my waist. I smiled to myself and completely forgot about the book. I turned around to face Jax "well good morning sleeping beauty, nice of you to finally wake up". I threw the book on the floor and climbed on him, straddling his lap. "Morning darling, what brings you in here?" I kissed his jaw "well, you see I was in the mood something and then realized you were the only person that could help me with that something." I felt his hands go to my hips as I kept kissing his neck. "Really and what would that something be?" "Well I'm sure if you think real hard you can probably figure it out." I smirked at him as I grinded into his lap kissing him on the mouth at the same time. His hands gripped my hips and he moaned into my mouth "yeah I think I might have figured it out". Jax rolled us over and pulled my top over my head. I had missed this, missed him. We hadn't had a lot of time to ourselves lately and judging by the speed in which he was undressing me, he needed this aswell. He bit my bottom lip, making me groan, "God I hope you locked the door" he whispered into my ear. "Don't worry, I think Tig chased anyone who would open that door away." I told him breathlessly. God I had missed him._


	9. Chapter 9

**Okay just a short chapter this time sorry, i promise the next one will be a long one. More of Charlotte and Jax's back story is revealed in this chapter.**

 **Please remember to review the chapters so that i know if you are liking the direction the story is going or if it is shit ;) haha**

 **Thank you for reading! xxxx**

The night I found Jax reading that manuscript was the night he changed. I didn't know what was in that book but whatever it was it was eating away at him, and I didn't know how to help him. He started becoming more involved with the club, more distant with me and more agitated and ruthless everyday. I tried talking to him about it but he would just shut me down every time. I tried being patient with him but I could only take so much. I remember the day where I thought I had finally given up. I probably should have given up that day, just left him and been done with it but stupid me went back to him.

 _Jax and I had been fighting for the last few days so I went over to the clubhouse to try to work things out, again. When I got there I found Tig and Bobby at the bar. "Hey guys where's Hap?." "Charlotte, didn't expect to see you here today, uhh Happy and Kozik went on a run to Tacoma for a couple of days." Tig was acting strange but I thought he had always been strange. "Okay well is Jax around?" "Nah haven't seen him today" As soon as the words left his mouth I knew he was lying. "Really, so then you won't mind if I go wait in his room?" Tig and Bobby just looked at each other and I knew straight away. "You have got to be kidding me" I headed towards Jax's room not wanting to go in there but knowing I had to._

 _I got to his room and swung the door open, finding exactly what I was afraid to find._

 _Jax was lying in between some red headed skanks legs and looked up as soon as he heard the door. "What the, Charlie!"_

 _"_ _You are unbelievable" I choked out. I turned around, slamming the door behind me. I had to get out of there, I refused to let him see me cry over this. I walked back into the clubhouse main room and just shot Tig and Bobby a death stare. "Char I'm sorry" " I don't wanna hear it Tig!"_

 _"_ _Charlie wait" I heard Jax following me. I spun around to face him "what Jax? What could you possibly have to say right now?" He just looked at me, unsure of what to say "look its not what it looks like"_

 _This just made me angrier. "Really, first your gonna go with the whole sleeping with a croweater cliché, then you are gonna stand there and tell me that 'its not what it looks like'. How dumb do you think I am?" Still he just stood there and said nothing, so I kept yelling. "Because what it 'looks like' to me is you were pissed off at me so you decided to go balls deep in some red headed slut!"_

 _He just looked at me, did he honestly have nothing to say. "You know what, I'm done Jax, for real this time, I could forgive you being an asshole and pretty much ignoring me for weeks but this, I cant forgive you for this." I wasn't yelling anymore, I didn't have the energy. I had been trying to avoid this moment for months but here it was. I turned around and walked out of the clubhouse, thinking that that was it, I was finished with Jax Teller but just like every other time I was pulled back in. A few weeks later he had managed to convince me that he was sorry and that things would be different. Little did I know that when he said ' things would be different' that things would get a whole lot worse._

 ** _Don't forget to Review :) xxx_**


	10. Chapter 10

**Sorry about the delayed update, i was away from my laptop for a few days!**

 **Thank you so much for the reviews, it really keeps me motivated to keep writing!**

 **I hope you like the new chapter, don't forget to leave a review and thanks for reading xx**

When I woke up the morning after the patch over party I just lied in bed, staring at the ceiling. Today was my day off and I had no idea what to do. I wasn't currently talking to any of my friends or family so I was pretty much going to spend the day alone. I picked up my phone from my bedside table, realizing that when I threw it last night I put a huge crack in the screen. "Well fuck me". That's how I could spend my day, going to the mall to get a new phone, probably should get my hair done again as well, the brown roots were showing really bad. With my day semi planned out I got out of bed and got changed, ate breakfast and left to head to the mall. I was hoping that a day shopping by myself would help get my mind off the shit storm that had become my life in the past few days, I knew I shouldn't have gone back to Charming.

4 hours later, I had gotten my hair dyed, gotten a new phone and bought god knows how many new clothes. I was really concerned that I had become a shopaholic but I guess it was my way of getting my mind off things. While I was heading back to my car I walked past a woman carrying multiple baby store bags in one hand while the other hand rested on her growing pregnancy belly. I tried not to let myself feel the jealousy that raged through me at the sight but I couldn't help it. I had managed to not think about any of that all day but standing in the parking lot looking at how happy this woman was reminded me of the day I found out I was pregnant.

 _"_ _Shit!" I took another look at the pregnancy test in my hand, praying that this time, after 3 previous tests, that this one would say negative. "Shit, Shit, double shit!. No such luck, it said positive as well. I had no idea what to do next, I just sat on the toilet, trying not to cry._

 _I was 20 years old, I was nowhere near ready to become a mum. And Jax was definitely not ready to become a dad. We had barely spoken the past few weeks because once again he was being a dick. He hadn't slept with anyone else since I caught if with the redhead a few months ago, at least I didn't think he had slept with anyone else. Ever since he found that manuscript he had changed. About a week after I found him with it he showed it to me. I read some of it, it was basically his dad's thoughts about the club and how he wanted to change it. Jax didn't see it as a guide to changing the club though. He just saw all his father's weaknesses written down in a book. Instead of trying to fulfill his dad's wishes, he did everything in his power to make sure they didn't happen._

 _It was destroying him, and us. He fell deeper into the club, helping clay make the big decisions, becoming more brutal and violent as the days went on. He was never violent towards me though. We fought almost everyday, worse then we had ever fought but he never physically hurt me, even though he probably wanted to. I wanted to know what he was thinking and why he was doing what he was doing, but he just told me it was none of my business and to know my place. Well you can imagine how well that went. I didn't like getting told what to do at the best of times so when he yelled at me to 'know my place' I snapped. "Who the fuck do you think you're talking to?" I screamed at him. "Know my place? Oh trust me I know my place, it is as far away from you as possible!". That fight lasted 2 weeks, then I made the same mistake I made every single time we argued. He apologized, I forgave him and we made up, several times._

 _That was a few months ago before and we still fought all the time. That was why I was so nervous to tell him I was pregnant. I knew he would be mad, he would blame me and he would tell me to get rid of it. I didn't know what I wanted so I decided I wasn't going to tell him for a few days, I was never very good at keeping secrets though._

 _That night I felt physically sick just thinking about keeping this from him and how he would react, so I decided to just get it over with. It was 1 o'clock in the morning as I drove to the clubhouse, Jax lived there so I knew that's where I would find him, hopefully alone. I opened his door and snuck into the room. I stopped halfway across the room though. There he was, sleeping soundly. He looked so relaxed and at piece. I hadn't seen him like that in months so I stood there for a moment enjoying it. Watching him just made me more anxious and more upset, I began crying again. The sound of me crying must have woken him up because he jolted awake and looked over at me. "Charlie? What are you doing here?, wait what's wrong?"_

 _I didn't even known where to start. There were so many ways that question could be interpreted. What was wrong with me, what was wrong with us. I sat down next to him on the bed and he wrapped his arms around me. Even when we were fighting and pretty much hated each other he always comforted me when I needed him to. "Charlie talk to me" I took a deep breath, I had figured out what I was going to say to him on the drive over, I had it all planned out because I didn't want to just dump it on him. I opened my mouth to start the speech I had planned "Jax, I'm Pregnant!" Well fuck, that didn't quite go as well as planned._

 _I felt his arms tense up around me. We sat there for a few moments in silence, neither of us knowing what to say. I felt him take a deep breath in and squeeze me once more before he let go of me. He put his hand on my chin and tilted my chin up to look at him. "Its going to be okay Charlie, I love you and I will love our baby, I'm not going anywhere." I looked at him, dumbfounded. This was not the reaction I expected at all. He wiped the tears off my cheek and kissed me. I clicked as to why he said what he had. He knew I was upset because I was scared of how he would react. He knew that I thought he wouldn't want this baby and would run for the hills. This was why I loved him, he always knew what I needed to hear and he made sure I heard it. "Are you sure you want this Jax?" he gave me a single kiss on the mouth before staring at me again, "Charlie, I don't think I have ever wanted anything more, I know we haven't been getting along great lately but this could change that, this could be our fresh start. I love you more than anything, this doesn't change that." I started crying again but this time from happiness, knowing that this was what he wanted gave me a chance to really think about what I wanted. I knew it would be hard to be a mom at my age, and it would take some time to get used to the idea, but the thought of having a family with Jax, made all the fear I felt worth it._

 _I kissed him hard on the mouth, I wanted him to know how grateful I was to have him. He pulled me into his lap and kissed me back. I couldn't remember the last time I had been so happy. My life was starting to pan out in a positive way, at least that's what I thought._

I pulled myself together long enough to get in my car and drive home. Along the way I tried telling myself to just forget about all the memories that were swirling around my head but I just couldn't. I needed to get home, crawl in bed and try to sleep the rest of the day away, having crippling anxiety about the past really made you tired. I pulled into my street and began to think. Maybe Kozik was right, I did need to find a way to move past this, I pushed that thought out of my head pretty damn quick though when I remembered I was pissed at Kozik right now and should not be taking any of his advice. As if he knew I was thinking about him there was his bike, sitting in my driveway along with Happy's, Tig's, Chib's and Lexi's car. Oh great, as if my day wasn't bad enough already I was about to walk straight into an intervention with all the people I was angry at right now. With the mood I was in right now this couldn't end well. I parked on the curb and braced myself for what was about to come. "All I wanted to do was relax on my one day off" I sighed to myself.


	11. Chapter 11

**Okay once again sorry for the delay, i wanted to add more to this chapter before publishing so it took a bit longer.**

 **Warning - Chapter contains adult themes!**

 **Thank you so much for reading and don't forget to leave a review! xxxx :)**

I opened my front door and was greeted with Happy, looking awfully pissed off, standing in my hallway. "What the hell Charlotte! What is wrong with you?". I hung my keys up on the hook and put my bags down, "okay you're gonna have to be way more specific cause there is a lot of shit wrong with me." "Charlotte, where the hell have you been?" This time it was Kozik yelling at me. Why the hell was I getting yelled at, and why the hell were they all in my house, I was pissed off at both of them. "Seriously someone needs to actually explain to me why I am being yelled at in my own house right now, especially by the two men that have been lying to me for months."

I stormed past them both and walked into my kitchen, only to then be greeted by Lexi cooking something on the stove, and Chibs and Tig sitting on the stools at the kitchen bench, "Oh for god sake, is the whole club here or something?". She stopped stirring whatever was in the pot and turned around to face me. "Well nice to see you're in one piece." "Jeez you too, can you please explain to me why everyone is so mad at me and why you are in my house." Happy and Kozik walked into the kitchen and stood on separate sides of the bench, crossed their arms and glared at me, it was scary how alike they were sometimes. "Char we have all been trying to get in contact with you all day and night, why didn't you answer your phone and where have you been all day?" Once Kozik asked that I realized no one had seen me since I stormed out of the party and Lexi dropped me home, and I broke my phone so hadn't been able to answer there calls. That didn't excuse the fact that I was still pissed at them so I had no obligation to tell them where I was. "Not that it is any of your business but I have been out shopping all day and my phone was broken so I had to buy a new one." They all looked a little less angry now except for Happy. "Well you could have at least told someone where you were going". "Why should I? Incase you forgot I am a grown woman and am beyond angry at all of you right now and don't have to tell you shit about what I am doing."

He stood up from where he was leaning on the bench, "Really? You don't have to tell us shit huh? I think everyone in this room remembers the last time you went AWOL and no one could find you." Well now he had pissed me right off. " Seriously Hap!" Kozik walked over to me and put his hand on my shoulder "Char what Hap means is…" I shoved his hand off my shoulder, "No Kozik I know exactly what he means, now you have all seen that I am alive and haven't offed myself yet you can all get the hell out!"

I turned around and went to my room, slamming the door behind me, I was infuriated. I sat on my bed trying to calm down but before I had the chance my bedroom door opened, "oh for fuck sake!" I expected it to be Kozik but to my surprise it was Chibs. "Are ya gonna kill me if I come and sit with ya lass?" I didn't say anything, just sat there staring straight ahead, hoping he would just go away. "Okay I'm gonna take your silence as a 'no I am not gonna kill ya'" Chibs walked over and sat next to me and I knew what was coming "look I know your angry at us all right now lovey but we are all just worried about ya. I know you don't like talking about what happened, but you must see where your brother is coming from, he just worries about you." I rolled my eyes and looked up at Chibs "I don't need him worrying about me alright, and him reminding me of what happened that night doesn't make it any better. I don't want to see them right now and I sure as shit don't need their judgment." Chibs took a deep breath and let out a big sigh "Hap's not judging you, he just doesn't know how to talk to you about this, that night I found you was the scariest night of Hap's life." I didn't answer, I didn't want to talk about this right now, luckily I think he got the message. "Look just cut him some slack okay, I know you're having a hard time right now but the last few years have been hard on all of us, especially Hap." He pat my knee and got up to leave. "Wait Chibs" he stopped and turned around to face me " I never got the chance to thank you for that night, I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you and in return all I have done is avoid you. Its just hard cause you remind me of what I did, and what could have happened." I looked down at the ground; ashamed of the way I had treated him. He walked over and crouched in front of me. "I know love and I understand, just try to move past it, and try to forgive dumb and dumber, they only mean well." I laughed at the nickname we had given to Happy and Kozik years ago. Chibs then kissed me on the cheek and left me alone in my room to think, which was not the best think for me to do right now.

All I could think about was the night Chibs found me, lying on my bedroom floor after taking to many sleeping pills. It was 3 months after the accident and I was in a really bad place. I barely left the house, refused to see anyone other then Hap and Koz, and I thought that I would never get over the pain I felt, so I decided to take away that pain, in turn taking away my life. Luckily Chibs had come over to check up on me and found me, called an ambulance and sat with me in the hospital for the 2 weeks I was in a coma. I was so angry at him when I woke up, I yelled and screamed until I couldn't anymore. I didn't want to live anymore and he had made sure that I did, the headspace that I was in at the time made me think that it was a bad thing that he saved me. Eventually my state of mind got back to a somewhat normal place, after being prescribed several medications from my doctor and being made to see a therapist. Even then I couldn't stand to see Chibs but it wasn't out of anger. I was so ashamed of what I had done and how I had treated him that I completely shut him out, and had continued to do so for the past 4 years but he had always been there for me, always forgave me.

I heard the front door close and breathed a sigh of relief, they were gone. My stomach began to grumble though so I ventured out into the kitchen to find some food so that I could crawl into bed in my pajamas, watch Netflix and eat, who knew being yelled at by your family was so exhausting. When I got to the kitchen though I was not impressed by what I found. "Hey princess", and there he was, Kozik, sitting at my kitchen bench eating what looked like spaghetti, must have been what Lexi was making. He didn't even look up at me just kept eating, which meant he didn't get to see the angry look on my face. "why are you still here Koz?" Nothing, I got no response, he was ignoring me. "Seriously, your just gonna sit in my kitchen and not speak to me" Still he said nothing so I grabbed a bowl of spaghetti and left him to sit alone. I jumped in bed with my dinner and the remote and settled in for a night of Netflix. I was not gonna let him ruin the rest of my night as well. About 2 hours later I turned off the T.V because I was falling asleep, after I rolled over it didn't take me long to fall asleep.

In the middle of the night I woke up when the mattress dipped next to me, now a normal person would have freaked out if woken up by this but I knew if was Koz. It was our thing, we would argue, fight and scream at each other but we always made up, usually when one of us crawled in the others bed. I was facing away from him on my side when I felt him nudge my hip, signaling for me to roll over. I rolled over and laid on his chest. He took a deep breath and I knew he didn't come in here just to sleep. "Just say it, get it over with". I didn't look up at him, I didn't think I wanted him to see my face while we spoke, even though it was pitch black and he probably wouldn't be able to see my face anyway.

"I'm sorry we attacked you like that" this wasn't how expected the conversation to go "we were just worried about you, when no one could get a hold of you the first thought that ran through my mind was that you had hurt yourself again. I cant lose you Char, so if not telling you about Wendy and keeping an eye on you all the time is what we need to do in order to keep you safe that's what we will do, no matter how mad it makes you". I stayed silent for a few minutes, I knew they were all just doing it because they cared but I hated when they treated me like a kid. "Yeah well Hap didn't have to be such a dick about it" I told him.

"Well he means well too, not a lot of things scare Hap but the thought of losing you terrifies him. You didn't see how he was when you where in the coma Char, he was a mess. Lexi couldn't even find him for 3 days, so she sent me out to look and when I found him he was as drunk as I had ever seen him, in some shitty motel. Once I cleaned him up I took him home but even when he sobered up he couldn't come to the hospital, not until you woke up." I had never heard about this before, when I woke up and Hap wasn't in my room I just assumed he was pissed off at me for what I had done, I didn't even think of how the past few years had taken its toll on my brother, and this realization just made me feel like a bigger bitch.

"I'm not going to hurt myself again Kozik, I wouldn't do that to you guys again. As shitty as I felt when I found out about Jax having a baby, I will not let him ruin anymore of my life. I heard what you said about moving on from this and not focusing so much hate towards Jax, and I really am gonna try." I felt his arms tighten around me "I think you should go back and see you therapist again". I sighed when Kozik said this, I hated going to my therapist. It consisted of sitting there for an hour a week drudging up old feelings and it just made me feel worse. But gradually it did help me move past some of the feelings I was having so maybe it wasn't a horrible idea. "Actually I think I might, I can't keep living like this Koz. One day people aren't going to let my shit slide anymore and I will end up alone." Kozik kissed me on the forehead, "I wont ever leave you Char, no matter what I'm gonna be here for you" And with Kozik's reassurance I drifted back to sleep, confident that although today had pretty much ended in disaster, tomorrow might turn out better.


	12. Chapter 12

**So excited for the next few chapters! Okay warning in the next few chapters there is a bit of violence and some very mature themes.**

 **Please, please, please remember to leave a review! i love reading them and it really encourages me to keep writing!**

 **Thank you so much for reading! xxx :)**

"Okay Charlotte, so tell me what's been going on with you? How have you been?"

Really? That's how he wanted to start this? I was sitting in my therapists office, already regretting my decision to come here, but last night I told Kozik I would at least try coming back here so that's what I did.

"Well, lets see, a week ago I finally went back to Charming". "That's great! A great first step for you Charlotte." "you didn't let me finish, since then I have had the week from hell! First I ran into Jax and pretty much had a meltdown, then when I tried to move on and be civil with him I found out he was having a baby with someone else, which then meant I went into full bitch mode and yelled at everybody that cares about me and kicked them out of my house. How's that for a great first step huh?

My therapist just looked at me in shock, a little stunned by my bluntness I guess. Last time I was here was 3 years ago. For two years I came to his office, sat on this ugly couch and answered is questions with one word answers. I guess the anger I feel about this topic now out ways my shyness. After a few moments he finally regained his composure "okay I see why you may think that the past week was a negative thing but being forced to face Jax and getting out that anger, even if it was directed at the wrong people, it is a good thing." "Oh please tell me how you think alienating myself and turning into a psycho is a good thing?"

"For years you have been shoving all your feelings down, trying not to fall apart. This has caused all those feelings to build up causing you to become a ticking time bomb, and this week that bomb exploded." Was he really aloud to tell me I was a ticking time bomb, is this what I was paying him for?. "But now all those feelings have come out I cant put them back, and it hasn't made me feel any better." He closed his notebook and crossed his legs, "no you don't feel better yet but now that you aren't trying to push all those feelings down you can face what happened to you with no barriers in the way." Oh no, I knew where he was going with this. "Now Charlotte, tell me again what happened that night. Tell me the events that lead up to that night, what happened that night, and what happened after that night." Fuck I knew he was going to make me do this. I had never told him the full story of what had happened, he knew bits and pieces but this would be the first time I told him the entire thing. I took a deep breath and tried to calm myself, I could do this, I had to do this. "Okay, well I guess it started when we told Happy that I was pregnant."

 _"_ _I'm sorry, you're what?" Oh no, I had just told Happy that I was pregnant and the look on his face was not the happy, excited look I was hoping for. "Jax and I are having a baby". Happy didn't even say anything else, he just stormed out of the clubhouse. On his way out the door he almost ran straight into Kozik "Whoa, where the hell is he going?" "I have no….oh shit, the garage!" I ran past Kozik and out the clubhouse doors, Jax was working a shift out in the garage and based on Hap's reaction to my baby news, he was not going out there to congratulate Jax._

 _When I got outside I saw Jax lying under the car he was working on, and Hap storming towards him. Once he reached him he dragged him out from under the car by his leg, lifted him up and pushed him up against the side of the car by his collar. "What the hell did I tell you!" as soon as I heard him start yelling I ran over to where they were. Jax tried pushing Hap off him but it was no use. "Hap I don't know what the hell you're talking about!" "Really so you don't remember the little talk we had 3 years ago?" I stood behind Hap, waiting to see where this was going, what talk did they have? I saw the realization on Jax's face "Hap look that was a long time ago, I never thought that things would turn out the way they have" "I specifically told you that if you were gonna be with my sister I had two conditions. I told you that I would castrate you if you either hurt her in_ _ **any**_ _way or if you were dumb enough to knock her up. I guess you didn't listen to my warning huh? We both know what happens now" alright now he was just being ridiculous, I had to step in "Happy seriously! Put him down, this isn't his fault!" Happy just glared at Jax, still holding him up by the collar. Some of the other guys had come over now, obviously a little concerned that a brother looked like he was about to murder another brother. "Uhh what's going on here?" Chibs was the first to step in. "Happy its not like I knocked her up and dumped her. I am gonna be there for her and the baby okay?" This didn't seem to calm him down at all, I actually think he tightened his grip._

 _I turned to Chibs "please do something!" "Okay Hap, let him go and we can talk about this alright, you don't wanna stress the lass out now do you?" after what seemed like ages Happy finally let him go and shoved him against the car "I don't wanna talk about this, the little shit fucked up and he knows it, this is a big mistake!" I couldn't believe he had just said that, I knew Happy wasn't a mushy feelings kinda guy but he just stood there and called my baby a mistake and a fuck up. I stood there in shock as he got on his bike and sped out of the parking lot._

"So that's when you started having problems with your brother?" My therapists question pulled me out of the memory. "Well I guess so, we had always fought but this was the first time he had ever been so disappointed in me that he was so hurtful. We didn't speak for weeks until Lexi finally forced us together, it didn't help though, I was still pissed at him for what he had said and he was so angry at both Jax and I for deciding to have a baby so young. He told me that 'he didn't sacrifice so much for me to go through high school and go to college for me to throw it away'. After that I didn't speak to him for months, not until the accident, I didn't have him to talk to through my entire pregnancy and all the problems I was having with Jax."

"So you felt as though he wasn't there for you?" I thought about his question. I knew he wasn't there for me but I couldn't blame him for what happened to me. "yeah I guess, I just felt alone. I saw what was happening to Jax and I didn't have anyone to tell. Kozik was away in Tacoma and the other guys avoided talking to me about Jax at any cost to ensure they didn't piss my brother off. I guess I just feel like if my brother and I had been on better terms during that time that maybe things would have ended differently."

He opened his notebook back up and wrote something down, then he simply closed it again and looked at me, "alright tell me what was going on with Jax. You have told me before that it was because of the manuscript? Tell me more about that."

That fucking manuscript. "That's when Jax changed, when he found that manuscript from his dad. Not only was he more violent and immersed in the club. He seemed to be getting drunk almost every night, never came home and was always so angry. Every day he seemed to be angry about something, whether it was the fact that Hap wouldn't talk to him or the fact that I wanted him to come home more. We were fighting more and more and I wasn't so sure that he was ready to become a dad."

"I see. Alright Charlotte, you have done really well telling me about the events that lead up to the accident, now I want you to tell me about the day of the accident. I know this is hard for you but if you want to move past this it is crucial you acknowledge everything that happened."

I had never told anyone about what happened that day. Obviously different people knew about different parts but Jax and I were the only two people that knew everything. I thought about what I was about to do. I knew that I had to move past this but I had a bad feeling that all this was going to do was put me back in that mind frame. If I let all the memories in and went back to that night I wasn't so sure I would be able to come back. If I didn't go back there though I didn't think I would ever truly move on, I would be stuck in this little bubble where I never moved on with my life, where all I did was cry and yell and push everyone away. Alright I was doing this, no matter what it took I knew, for my sake and for the sake of my family I needed to find away to move past it and live my life.


	13. Chapter 13

**Alright a few things before you read the next chapter. Warning Mature themes!**

 **Also keep in mind that as this is an alternative universe some things that happened in the show happen at different times in this story or not at all.**

 **And finally thank you for reading! hope you like this chapter and don't forget to leave a review! xx :)**

 _I was 7 months pregnant and sitting on the back porch of the house I shared with Jax. It was a nice spring day so I was soaking up the sun, reading a book. I think I was really just filling in time, trying to avoid going inside. I knew that when I walked inside I would have to face the fact that Jax was still not home. When we first found out I was pregnant the arguing stopped. Jax and I were getting along so well, we moved in together, were planning things for the baby and everything was going great, until I reached about 4 months._

 _Everything pretty much turned to shit again after that. It was out of nowhere though; one day we were a happy little family and the next he would barely speak to me. That was when he started spending almost every night at the clubhouse and all we did when I did see him was fight. I had no idea how to fix it because I had no idea why it was happening._

 _I was getting tired so I went inside to lay down in bed. I grabbed my phone on my way upstairs and saw that I had a missed call from Lexi. Her and I hadn't spoken much since my fight with Happy but we had kept in touch. She checked in on me every couple of weeks to see how I was doing, catch me up on what Mason was up to, I also babysat him every few weeks for her. I decided I would call her back after my nap and left my phone on my bedside table while I changed into my pajamas, which at the moment was just one of Jax's T-Shirts because I didn't fit into any of my own Pajamas, also because as corny as it sounds I missed him and this made me feel a little better. I got in bed and felt myself drifting off pretty quickly._

 _I was woken up a few hours later when my phone started to ring. I debated ignoring it but figured it might be important so I picked it up to see that it was Happy, I hadn't spoken to him in weeks and even then all we said was the polite 'hi how are you'. If he was calling me I knew it must be important so I skeptically answered it. "Hap?" "Where are you?" Great, he sounded pissed; this was not going to be a pleasant conversation. "What do you want Hap?". "I want you to answer my question Charlotte". "Jesus Christ, I'm at home, what's it to you?". He didn't say anything for a few moments, he let out a sigh before he kept talking, almost like he was debating whether or not to keep talking. "Look you boyfriend is here at the clubhouse and I think you might wanna come get him". Jax being at the clubhouse at night wasn't something new, I didn't understand why Happy thought I needed to come pick him up. "What's going on Hap?". "Jax is flipping his shit, spouting some shit about how Clay killed his old man and how everyone lied to him. We've tried calming him down but he wont listen to anyone. Thought seeing you may help the situation. Just come get him, take him home and let him sleep it off at home."_

 _Clay was the president of the Redwood charter, he was also married to Jax's mum but as far as I knew his dad and clay were friends, he certainly didn't want him dead. I knew seeing me probably wouldn't 'calm Jax down' but I also knew that if anyone had a chance to atleast calm him down a little, it would be me. "fine I'll be there soon". He hung up after that. No 'thank you Charlotte' or 'sorry for waking you up'. I threw my phone down on the bed "asshole". I quickly threw on some leggings and one of Jax's SAMCRO hoodies, grabbed my keys and went out to my car. I couldn't believe I had to drag my 7-month pregnant ass down to the clubhouse because the guys couldn't work their own shit out._

 _I pulled into the lot and parked close to the clubhouse. It was a struggle to fit behind the steering wheel at the moment so getting out wasn't so easy. There was a group of people outside, standing around the boxing ring so I assumed there must be a fight going on. I made my way over and as I got closer I just got angrier. Jax was standing in the ring getting ready to fight Tig. I pushed my way through the crowd and found Kozik and Happy next to the ring. "Hap what the hell! This is what you called me down here for?" "Char I called you here so you could drag his ass home, he got pissed cause Tig told him he sounded like a lunatic, so he demanded they get in the ring. We tried to stop him but he is out of control Charlotte. You need to talk some sense into you man." God I was so sick of my brother sitting up on his high horse telling me what I should do and how I should act. "Christ Hap, you have barely spoken 3 sentences to be in months and the first actual conversation you want to have is about how I need to learn to control my man! You didn't even want us together and now you are lecturing me about being a better old lady!" Happy just glared at me and I rolled my eyes at him. The intimidating glare was getting a little old. The fight started and I looked up just in time to see Tig land a mean right hook right into Jax's jaw. I couldn't watch this, Jax was a good fighter but Tig was much better, Tig even beat Kozik sometimes so I was really worried. After a couple of minutes I couldn't bare to watch it anymore, I turned to Kozik. "Koz please stop this! He is gonna get seriously hurt." Kozik looked at me sympathetically and then looked at Hap. Happy just shrugged his shoulders so Koz nodded towards the ring. Both Happy and Kozik got into the ring to break up the fight. As soon as Kozik grabbed Tig he calmed down and stopped fighting but when Jax felt Happy grab him he lost it. "Get the fuck off me!" Jax punched Happy in the face and tried to keep fighting him instead._

 _I had no idea what was going on with him but this wasn't the Jax I knew. Tig and Kozik then had to break up the fight between Jax and Happy, who was not to pleased to be punched by Jax. Once they got Jax to calm down enough he stormed out of the ring and over to me, "Lets go Charlotte" he grabbed my arm and started leading me towards the car. "Jax what the hell!" I tried to stop walking but he just dragged me by my arm. He was really starting to scare me, I had never seen him like this. "Jax you're hurting me! Let go of my arm!" He ignored me and just kept walking. When we got to the car he pulled me to him and gently cupped my face in his hands. "Look Charlie I will explain when we get home but I need you to get in the fucking car and we need to go home." "Why Jax? I don't understand!"_

 _He pushed off the car in frustration and put his hands on the back of his neck. "Because Charlie I don't want you anywhere near these people! They are toxic and dangerous and I don't trust them!" None of this made any sense but I could see trying to talk with Jax right now was hopeless, he needed to go home and calm down. "Okay Jax, just calm down okay, lets just go home". He opened the drivers side door for me "I'm gonna ride my bike home". "Jax you're scaring me, what is going on?" He looked at me and i couldn't believe how dark his eyes looked, He grabbed my hand and brought it to his lips, kissed it and placed my palm on his cheek, "You don't need to be scared baby, I'm sorry but its just this place, I need to get away from here! I will explain everything to you when we get home." He seemed to have calmed down a bit, I pulled his face towards me and kissed him, we were never really good at talking about our feelings but we found another way to connect, to be there for each other. I needed him to know that I was there for him, that he wasn't alone._

 _"_ _I love you Jax" He gave me one more kiss "I love you too Charlie" he shut the door behind me and got on his bike, I started the car engine and pulled out of the lot behind him. I had no idea what could possibly be wrong with him but I had a feeling it had to do with that stupid manuscript and why he had been so distant lately. I sat there driving, trying to figure out how I was meant to help him, how everything had gotten so fucked up._

 _Jax was driving infront of me and I noticed he was swerving on the road a lot. Almost as quickly as I noticed it happening a truck came past in the opposite direction and jax's bike was too close to the middle of the road. The truck driver honked at him and he lost control of the bike, causing him to pull infront of me. I tried to steer the car away from him so I didn't hit him but he hit a tree instead, all I could focus on was the sound of his bike scraping against the road and the smash it made as it hit the tree. I couldn't get the car under control and I ran into one of the concrete barriers on the side of the highway and everything went black._

I looked up at Dr. Bates "that's it, that's all I remember. The next thing I know I am waking up in a hospital bed being told that 'my baby hadn't survived but I should think myself lucky that I made it'." I laughed a twisted laugh, "Like that was meant to make me feel any better" He handed me the box of tissues and I realized I was crying. I hadn't ever been able to think about that night without crying but this was the first time I was able to tell someone about it without freaking out.

"I am really proud of you Charlotte, it takes a lot of strength to be able to do what you just did." I took a deep breath and tried to bring myself back to reality. I was proud of myself too, as hard as it was I did feel a little better after talking about it. "Okay now I know this as been a hard day so I want you to go home and relax for a couple of days but then there is something I need you to do." This couldn't be good "I need you to go see Jax" what? "Okay what happened to baby steps huh? I don't think going to see him is really a baby step" He just smiled at me and kept going "no it isn't a baby step, because I don't think you need baby steps. We tried that and it didn't work so we are going to try a new strategy. You are going to go and talk to Jax, about that night. You need to get all this anger and frustration out. You need to ask him all the questions you have about what happened and why. If you don't you are never going to be able to move on from this, it will just keep eating away at you."

After another 20 minutes arguing with him about whether or not seeing Jax was something I had to do, my session was over and he had convinced me. There were still so many questions I had for Jax but I wasn't so sure I wanted to know the answers just yet. On top of this task , Dr. Bates also told me I needed to talk to Happy. Since the accident we had just swept everything under the rug and never really talked about what had happened between us. So Bates thought it was a great 'next step' to have that discussion with my brother as well. I was starting to think I wanted a new therapist; this guy was getting on my nerves. It was because of him that I was sitting in my car in the Teller-Morrow parking lot looking at Jax sitting on one of the picnic tables. I figured now was a good a time as any so here I was, ready to confront him, at least I hoped I was ready.

 **Please, please, please leave a review :) xx**


	14. Chapter 14

**Okay i am really sorry about how long it has been since my last update but i just lost motivation and had to think about where i wanted this story to go. i hope you enjoy this chapter and please don't forget to review! Thank you xxx**

I got out of the car and headed towards the table outside the clubhouse that Jax was sitting on.

"Char!"

I spun around at the sound of my name and saw Kozik jogging over from the garage.

"What brings you here princess?"

I glanced over my shoulder and saw that Jax was now staring at me, Koz followed my gaze

"oh…..you sure you're ready for that Char?".

Was he kidding?

"Koz you are the one that told me I had to do this, you told me I was ready!"

I saw the smirk creep up on his face,

"yeah I did, but when was the last time you actually listened to me?"

He had a point, I usually went out of my way to do the exact opposite of what he told me to do.

"Well I figured I might give it a try for once".

I snuck another glance over and Jax and nervously looked back at Kozik.

"hey, its gonna be alright. I will be in the clubhouse if you need me alright."

He pulled me into his side and started walking us towards Jax, when we got closer he kissed the side of my head and went into the clubhouse, leaving me all alone to face Jax.

"Hey Charli…..Charlotte"

He never called me Charlotte but after our last encounter I wasn't surprised.

"Hey, uhh do you have time to talk?"

He looked at me, his face covered in confusion.

"Sure thing, have a seat"

He gestured towards the space on the table next to him. I sat down and we fell into an awkward silence. He pulled a packet of smokes out of his kutte and lit one. As he blew the smoke out he broke the silence.

"What's going on Charlotte? I mean its not that I don't enjoy your visits but our last talk didn't exactly go well. I didn't think I would be seeing you anytime soon."

I had no idea how I was meant to start this conversation. I picked up the beer that was sitting next to Jax and took a long sip, before I knew it the bottle was empty. I put the bottle down and glanced and Jax, he was just smirking at me, shaking his head. I took a deep breath,

"I need us to talk about that night Jax"

As soon as the words left my mouth i watched the smirk disappear of Jax's face. He wanted to have this conversation about as much as I did. He looked a little pissed off as he answered me.

"Why? Why after all these years?"

"Because i need to know what happened, I need to let out my feelings before they explode!"

He just continued to look at the ground in front of him, his jaw hard and ridged.

I let out a sigh.

"Please Jax, I know its hard and I know you don't wanna talk about it and neither do I but I need this. I need you to tell me why you were so angry that night, why things went down the way they did."

He threw his cigarette on the ground, we both just sat there staring at in, in silence again.

"You remember when I went to Belfast? To go visit the Belfast charter."

I did remember, it was a few weeks before the accident. He had acted really strange when he got back but I just brushed it off as his usually bad attitude that he had since he found the manuscript. He turned his head to look at me and I just nodded, not trusting my voice at the moment. He looked back and the ground and continued.

"A couple of weeks after I got back I found a bunch of letters in my bag, letters from my dad to Maureen."

Maureen was the women his dad had been having an affair with in Ireland, Jax didn't know about her until he got to Belfast and found out he had a younger sister. What I didn't understand was the fact that Jax knew for weeks that his Father had been having an affair and he didn't seem angry at all until that night, that night he seemed angry at everyone in the club so it cant have been about that.

"Jax, what was in those letters?" I asked him quietly.

I could see he was getting upset but I didn't stop him, I needed to know why all of this happened.

"The letters were proof of something that I had been suspecting for years, that Clay killed JT."

"But you already thought he did, you said that when he died he apologized for what he had done to your family?"

"Yes he did but I thought he worked alone, that no one knew what happened and that Gemma was heartbroken over his death. In actual fact Gemma helped him kill JT, she had been cheating on JT with Clay for years and convinced him that he needed to get rid of JT."

I couldn't believe what he was telling me. Gemma, the woman who constantly lectured me about being a faithful old lady was actually the biggest hypocrite I knew.

"Oh Jax I'm so sorry"

I went to hug him but hesitated and decided to just place my hand on his knee, baby steps.

"Oh it gets worse, when I took the letters to the club as proof, no one seemed surprised. When I questioned them Bobby finally told me that Clay had admitted to killing JT a few years before he died. The entire club knew, everyone but me."

Jax stood up and started pacing infront of the table. I was still in shock.

"that's why you were so angry that night" I thought out loud " why you wanted to get away from the club."

Jax stopped pacing and looked at me, I could see the unshed tears in his eyes.

"that night….the night of the accident, that was the day I confronted the club about it. After I found out the truth I just lost it. I got drunk and then when you showed up I got so scared. The fear of them hurting you or the bab.."

He couldn't finish the sentence, he couldn't say the word baby because he knew the pain that was associated with that word for the both of us.

"I was so scared of losing you that I just wanted to get as far away from this place as fast as possible."

The tears were falling now, both his and my own. This was the first time we had ever spoken about that night. After I woke up in the hospital I refused to see him and the one time he did come into my room I completely lost it at him, yelled at him, threw things at his head. I said some really awful shit to him but at the time I was so wrapped up in my own grief that I couldn't control myself. We stood there staring at each other for a few moments before I spoke again.

"Why did you stay?"

"What?"

"After the accident why did you come back here? Why didn't you leave? Why become president?"

He sat back down next to me and lit another cigarette.

"After the accident I was really fucked up. Drunk and high all the time, I wasn't eating or sleeping. The guys helped me through it and even though most of them hated me for what happened to you they were there for me. Chibs explained to me how it really went down with Clay. He was threatening to rat them out for a RICO case if they told me. He forced them to swing their vote and do whatever he wanted for years. After he died they wanted to tell me but knew how much it would kill me. I wanted to leave but I couldn't bring myself to leave the club my dad built, so I stepped up."

The tears were still falling down both of our faces and I grabbed his hand, pulling it into my lap.

"Jax, I had no idea, I wish i….i wish you didn't go through that alone."

Just as he was about to say something else the clubhouse door opened and Bobby stuck his head out.

"Hey brother, we need you in here"

Jax looked over to me and I could see he felt bad about having to leave.

"Can I come over tonight so we can finish talking?" He asked "There are still things we need to talk about" "Yeah sure, uhh come over at like 7?"

"Yeah okay, see you then"

He pulled me to his chest with one arm and placed a kiss on the crown of my head. It felt nice to be in his arms again, well sort of in his arms, but I could feel myself feeling trapped and I needed to get out of here. Just before I pushed him off he moved his arm, wiped the tears of his face and stood up to walk inside with Chibs. Chibs nodded at me just before he went back inside to make sure I was alright. I probably looked a mess with my mascara running down my cheeks. I gave him a small smile and watched as both he and Jax walked back inside. I stayed sitting on the table for a little while longer. Thinking about everything Jax had just told me. I stood up, "man this life is more fucked up then I thought" I said to myself as I headed back to my car.


	15. Chapter 15

**Warning- Chapter contains adult themes**

 _ **Please review! :)**_

On my way home from TM I decided I should probably stop by Happy's place considering I hadn't seen him since flipping out on him at my house. I knew that I over reacted but he and I had really struggled to move past everything that had happened in the past few years and him bringing it up and throwing it in my face pissed me off. I pulled up to his house and spotted his bike in the driveway. I knocked on the front door, at one point in time i would have just walked in the front door but things weren't the same as they used to be. A few moments later a sleepy looking Happy opened the front door.

"What do… oh Char, hey."

"Hey Hap"

I stood awkwardly at the door waiting for him to make a move. All he did was swing the front door open as he walked in the direction of the kitchen, assuming I would follow. Happy started making coffee and I sat at the kitchen table. Happy had never been much of a talker so I knew I was going to have to start this conversation.

"Happy look…"

" I'm sorry"

I thought I must have heard him wrong. I hadn't even started my whole speech about how I was sorry and I shouldn't have flipped out when i heard, what I thought was him saying he was sorry. But that wasn't possible, Happy didn't apologize to anyone, he had only ever apologized to me twice, my whole life. I was stunned and had no idea what to say next.

"What?"

"Look we don't need to make this a big thing alright, you shouldn't have left without telling anyone and I shouldn't have been a dick. Can we just move on and skip the mushy bullshit."

All I could do was smile, this was the brother I knew, he always hated when I forced the 'mushy bullshit' on him. I walked up to him and wrapped my arms around his waist. After a few seconds I felt his arms wrap around me and squeeze. As much as he said he hated this stuff, I knew he loved these moments.

After getting home I decided to order some pizzas to be delivered and quickly jump in the shower before Jax got there. As I was standing under the hot water I began to realize that with in the next hour I would be alone, in my house with Jax. I tried not to think about it to much and reminded myself why I was doing this. I needed this chapter of my life to be over. I need to get all my feelings about this out and move on with my life, I couldn't continue to live in the past. When I got out of the shower I put my underwear, bra and jeans on and walked back into the bathroom to brush my hair out. As I was standing in the bathroom in front of the mirror I starting thinking about what Jax had told me earlier that day. I couldn't believe that Gemma helped Clay, I knew she was bitter about JT's affair but I had no idea she would go that far.

Suddenly I heard someone clear their throat behind me and I jumped, looking up in the mirror to see Jax standing their, staring at me with 2 pizza boxes in his hand.

"Sorry i..uh..the door was unlocked"

Jax was staring at me in the mirror and I realized I still didn't have a shirt on, but he wasn't staring at me in a sexual way, he was staring at my scar. Neither one of us said anything, he began to walk towards me and I was frozen in place. When he got close enough he out his hand on my shoulder, where the scar started. I flinched under his touch but he didn't move his hand. I was watching him in the mirror, waiting for his reaction. I though he would look disgusted, I usually was when I looked at it, but he didn't looked disgusted, he looked sad. I slowly turned around, his eyes never left my scar. He ran his hand along my collarbone to the base of my neck where the scar ended. I took a deep breath and tried not to panic. No one had ever touched my scar before, I didn't even let the nurses at the hospital look at it after the bandage came off. I started to think about when I first took the bandage off in the hospital.

 _It was 2 weeks after the accident and I had successfully alienated myself from the entire hospital. The nurses came in as little as possible and left as quick as they could. The sons would visit me to begin with but they to got a bit sick of me yelling at everyone and crying all the time. The only people that would still visit me where Happy and Kozik. Happy would just sit in the chair next to my hospital bed in silence, he hadn't spoken one word to me since the accident. He came every day though, without fault. Most of the time I would yell at him and then end up crying. When that happened he would sit on the edge of my bed and pull me close to him, I hated anyone else touching me but when he did it I felt safe, like nothing happened. Kozik would visit me during the day and then spend most nights with me at the hospital; he took a different approach to my brother. Kozik would spend his visits trying to get me to talk to him or about what happened, this would always end in me screaming at him to get out, but he always came back. Eventually he realized I wasn't going to talk about it so instead he would tell me about his day, we would watch TV or play a card game. Anything that he thought would get my mind off what was happening, we would do it._

 _I was standing in the bathroom attached to my hospital room, taking my bandages off for the first time to have a shower. The nurses had come in 2 days ago and tried taking them off, telling me that it was time they come off and I wash the cuts and stitches. Lets just say that conversation didn't go well. I remember screaming something along the lines of "you touch me again and I will make sure you walk out of this room covered in cuts and needing stitches" I then threw a vase at her. No one was really game enough to try to make me take off the bandages after that but I was sick of smelling and needed to shower so whether I liked it or not I needed to take these bandages off._

 _I started peeling off the small ones on my legs and my stomach. When I got to the large one on my shoulder I paused. I knew how big this cut was gonna be, it was where a piece of metal from my car had hit me in the shoulder, dislocating it and leaving a huge cut on my collarbone. I slowly peeled off the tape and pulled back the bandage. I instantly felt the tears forming in my eyes, it was horrible. The cut went from one side of my shoulder to the middle of my neck, the stitches were still in, making me look like Frankenstein and there was dried blood around the whole thing. I stood their staring at it for at least 10 minutes before I heard a knock on the bathroom door._

 _"_ _Char? You okay in there?"_

 _It was Kozik, here for his afternoon visit. I turned around and opened the bathroom door, his eyes instantly went to my shoulder. I saw the shock in is eyes for a split second before he pulled his feelings in check. He looked me in the eyes and saw I was trying to hold back the tears. The shock on his face turned to pity and I couldn't hold back the sob that escaped my body. After the first one I lost control. Kozik pulled me to his chest and I began sobbing, crying like I was never going to stop. In my head I knew that after everything a scar was not the end of the world but it was just the last straw. I saw that scar and I realized nothing was ever going to be the same, I was never going to be the same. Once I had calmed down and was quietly letting the tears fall down my face Kozik pushed me back to the sink and sat me on the basin. He then turned the shower on and undressed down to his boxers. Pulling me back to him he helped me into the shower and stood with me leaning against him while he helped me wash. I was numb as I watched the water turn red as the blood was washed off and disappeared down the sink. I was so thankful that Kozik was there for me, I really didn't deserve it after the way I had treated everyone but I didn't know how to move past the anger I felt towards everyone._

I was brought back to the present day when I felt Jax's hand move to my stomach. I quickly grabbed his hand and pulled it away. The scar across my collarbone was one thing but my stomach was a whole other ball game. His hand on my stomach reminded me of when he used to do that while I was pregnant. He would crouch down with his hands on my belly, talking to our baby. He looked up at me and I saw the tears running down his cheeks. I let go of his hand and brushed both of his cheeks, brushing away the tears with my hands. He leant his head against my hand but didn't stop crying.

"I'm so sorry Charlie, I'm just so sorry"

I pulled his head down to my shoulder and wrapped my arms around his neck, holding him to me. I hadn't been this close to Jax in I don't know how long but it didn't feel awkward and I didn't feel trapped like I usually do, it just felt right. I realized why he was so upset, while I had the last 5 years to hurt and grieve over what happened and I had everyone around me trying to help, Jax had no one. He had to stay strong and didn't get his chance to grieve. Seeing the scars from that night brought back all the pain and sadness from that time just like they did for me every time I looked in the mirror. I didn't try to quiet him or tell him everything was okay because we both knew it wasn't. I just stood their holding him, rubbing his back as he let it all out.

It made me feel so guilty though because I realized this is how it should have happened 5 years ago. We should have been comforting each other but my anger and personal pain got in the way of that and that caused Jax to deal with this all alone, which meant he didn't deal with it at all. As we stood their crying together I knew that this was a step in the right direction for us.


	16. Please Review!

Hi all, i am writing the next chapter right now but just wanted to ask that you please remember to leave a review so that i know if you like the direction of the story and if i should keep writing!

REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW RVIEW

Thank you! :) xxxx


	17. Chapter 16

**Bit of a short chapter sorry but the next one will reveal a bit more of Charlotte and Jax's past.**

 **Don't forget to review! xx**

I don't know how long we stood in my bathroom crying together. It felt like this weight was lifted off my shoulders. I finally knew what happened that night, I was finally grieving with Jax the way that I should have 5 years ago. Even though I felt this relief there was a part of me that was waiting for the other shoe to drop. I tried to push that feeling aside though and be there for Jax.

Eventually I felt Jax pull back from me, he placed is hand on the side of my face and wiped the last remaining tears of my cheek.

"How about we go eat this pizza?"

I just nodded my head at him, he pulled me towards him and placed a kiss on my forehead before turning around, picking up the pizza boxes and heading towards the kitchen. I was left standing in the bathroom stunned about what just happened. I decided to not over think it and just see where this goes. I knew Jax and I couldn't just go back to the way things were, way to much shit had happened but I also knew that moment with him in the bathroom felt like a step forward. I didn't want to screw this up so I grabbed a t-shirt out of my closet, I had seen enough of my scar for one day, and headed to the kitchen.

Jax was putting the pizza in the oven when I got to the kitchen.

"Hey it was pretty cold so I figured I would just heat it up"

I just nodded at him, not really knowing what to say. I hadn't had a normal conversation with Jax in years and I didn't want to say the wrong thing. I walked over to the fridge to grab us out a couple of beers. I went to hand him one but he shook his head at me.

"What? Never known you to turn down a beer."

"I… I don't drink anymore"

I started laughing, stupidly thinking that he was joking but he just gave me a small smile.

"Oh god your not joking?"

He walked over and stood in front of me, he felt really close but it may have just been me feeling trapped due to the fact that I was stuck between Jax and the kitchen bench.

"I haven't had a drink in 4 and a half years Charlie."

"Jax I'm sorry I thought you were kidding"

He moved a little closer to me,

"For the first six months after the accident that's all I did, get drunk, get high and sleep around. I did anything and everything that would numb my feelings just for a little while. When I heard you were in the hospital cause you tried to…..cause you took those tablets it snapped me back into reality. I realized that if I didn't stop I was gonna kill myself and I couldn't help you, you made it pretty clear that you didn't want me anywhere near you, but I new I had to help myself."

He placed his hand on my hip and I looked up at him.

"Jax I'm so sorry"  
"Charlie you don't have to keep saying….."

"Please just let me finish. When I woke up in the hospital I was so angry, at you, at myself, at everyone. But that's no excuse for what I said to you. The shit that I said, I cant take that back. When I got out of the hospital after taking those pills I hated myself for what I had said and done to everyone who tried to help me. I moved out here because I didn't know how to stay in Charming, not because of what happened but because of how I acted. I didn't know how to face everyone so I ran away."  
I was crying again by this point so Jax pulled me into his chest and wrapped his arms around me.

"Charlie listen to me, no one blames you for any of that. We all know you were hurting and you didn't mean what you said."  
"But you were hurting too Jax and I made it so much worse for you."

"I survived, I'm still here and you and I both found our way out of it, so now you just need to find a way to move on."

He gently pushed me back so that I was leaning on the bench again and he put one hand on my cheek, I leaned into his touch and looked into his eyes. Maybe I was just seeing things but the sadness I saw in his eyes seemed duller and the bright blue eyes that I used to love were staring back at me once again. Jax moved closer to me and I felt his other hand rest on my waist. He slowly moved his face closer to mine, probably scared that if he moved to fast I would freak out but I was frozen on the spot. I knew he was going to try to kiss me and I didn't know if I wanted him to or not but at this moment in time my brain stopped working and all I could think of was how much I had missed kissing him. I felt my heart beating faster and I knew that he was close enough to feel it too. Just as his lips were about to touch mine his cell phone began ringing in his pocket.

"Shit" Jax said under his breath.

He stepped back to pull it out of his pocket and I took that as my out. I moved over to the oven to check on the pizzas and try to calm myself down.

"Nah I'm at…. I'm not home why?...What the hell are you talking about? Fuck alright I will meet you at the hospital!"

As soon as he said hospital I spun around and looked at him.

"Charlie I have to go, its Wendy, she overdosed and is being rushed to the hospital, I'm sorry I have to go."

I wasn't quite sure what to say, I could see the fear and sadness was back in his eyes and I wanted to help him. To go with him to the hospital and be there for him but I knew it was too much.

"No its fine, you have to go."

He grabbed his kutte and keys and headed for the door

"Jax wait!"

He spun around to look at me, and it crushed me to see how scared he was.

"I hope their okay, I really do"

He gave me a sad smile and a nod and then he was gone. I waited to hear his motorbike leave the driveway and then turned around and shut the oven off. I wasn't hungry anymore, just exhausted so I headed upstairs to bed, silently praying that Jax's family was going to be okay.


End file.
